Friday, May 8, 2009

Dodgers Promotional Nights

Now that Manny Ramirez has been caught using "performance enhancing drugs" (read that anyway you want) the Dodgers' fans feel used and abused. Owner Frank McCourt sunk millions of dollars into "Mannywood" billboards making sure to promote Manny as the Dodgers' face of the franchise. In order to get back to into good graces, I've done the first and last nice thing I'll ever do for the Dodgers. Here is a list of various promotional ideas to get the fans back to the park and keep them loving their Dodger Blue.

- Tommy Lasorda Crazy Rant Night - This could exist perfectly with a "Lasorda Bobblehead Night" but the basic premise would be to interview Lasorda ahead of time asking him questions on camera about "The Good Ole Days," "What It Means To Be A Dodger," "How Much He Loves Being An American," "How Much He Hates The Giants," and "What Are His Favorite Italian Foods." There's bound to be enough crazy responses to play a snippet every half inning on the Jumbotron. The craziest rants will be saved for innings where the Dodgers need a rally- let 'er rip Tommy!

- Chad Billingsly Slip On The Ice Night - California, especially SoCal, does not see ice very often, so I doubt many fans could relate to Billingsly slipping on ice during the offseason to break his leg. Don't worry! He's ok and pitching fine, but why not use this accident to your advantage. Find some way to import ice or snow into a cool hallway at the park and pad people up. Then let them either have snowball fights or slide around on the ice. Couple it free passes to Big Bear Mountain and you're right on the money. Can't get snow in there? Fair enough. Use many white Slip 'N' Slides with Dodger logos on them.

- Give Better Oral with Orel - Former Dodger great and current ESPN announcer Orel Hershiser will give a talk to early arriving kids about the importance of public speaking by giving tips, motivational stories and asking questions. What? There's nothing wrong with the promotional name- right?

- Jonanthan Broxton Wrestles A Bear - This would go down EXACTLY like Jackie Moon wrestling Dewie the Bear in "Semi-Pro." Good luck Jonny- Spumoni!

- Eric Gagne Slow Pitch Softball Night - The first 100 fans get a chance to bat off of former Dodger closer Eric Gagne. If you get a hit, good for you, no one is impressed. If you don't, you get thrown in the Bear Cage for Dewie's seconds.

- Andruw Jones' Money Night - Find someway to take back the money you're wasting on Andruw Jones and raffle it off to fans in increments of $10,000. You're giving back to the fans who support your club, and erasing the .157 batting average Jones put up last year (I originally typed .187, then researched the number because I didn't want to over exaggerate his crappiness- turns out I was being generous.)

- Manny Ramirez Sexual Enhancement Night - I mean, let's run with it. The NFL is one of the biggest supporters of Viagra, Levitra, and any other sexual enhancer that you can think of, and it seems to be working out great for that league. Let's bring it to baseball. The first 5,000 fans get a sample of HCG. Even if the Dodger lose, the fans win. You could even couple it with a Singles Mixer Night/USC Trojan Condom Night. I'm telling you, there's no end to how many promotions you could pack into this one.

So there you go Dodger Blue. Take the ideas- run with them. Oh, and by the way, for every single Dodgers fan who complained incesisently about Barry Bonds over the years- please remember that the guy on your team got caught using. Granted, it was a "sexual enhancer" but guess why that steroid was necessary- because he was juicing before and now his body can't produce testosterone naturally. Oh sweet irony.

Have a freaking fantastic weekend folks. Happy Mother's Day to all the moms who read my blog- I hear I'm huge in that demographic.


GMoney said...

In the LaSorda rants category, you could also add "Why the World Baseball Classic is the best event ever" and "The greatness of Ultra Slim Fast".

You be nice to Chad!!!

Tony B. said...

I thought I was nice to Chad. The dude broke his leg and is already back pitching like an ace. Why not celebrate his toughness? Granted, I hate the Dodgers, and most of this was sarcastic, but I don't mind Billingsly. He's ok in my book.