Friday, May 29, 2009

What Would You Do To...

... have your team win a championship? I was thinking about this the other day in relation to the Cubs. As we know, their season is on the verge of going into the crapper, and as a fan I'm frustrated. But then I thought- if I could actually make a difference, what would I do to help the Cubs get out of this slump? What would I sacrifice? What about for a championship?

I know there were some Red Sox fans that were getting awfully desperate before 2004 (they're practically swimming in a Scrooge McDuck-like money pool with their TWO championship rings now.) Comedian Dennis Leary was caught on camera saying that he would "give up one of his testicles if the Sox won a championship." Well, when presented the video evidence, he obviously chickened out. My point is not that Dennis Leary is a pansy for not cutting off a testicle, it's that one should not offer up a deal with the Sports Gods that they would not follow through on.

So what would I give up, you ask? Well, that is quite a complex question as I kept thinking about it. Obviously there would be so many variables that it is hard to pin down exactly what we're talking about. For example, on any given Friday, I would NOT trade a victory by my men's league basketball team for a victory by the Cubs. On an individual basis, I would most times want my own team to win over a team that I love and follow, but do not participate on.

But if I had a men's league basketball game on Game 7 of the World Series in which the Cubs were trying to win their first World Series in 101 years, then I probably would miss the game and go watch Game 7. If that made us lose, and helped the Cubs win, then so be it, but unfortunately my presence in front of a TV probably does not help the Cubs win.

One year, I only shaved on days when the Cubs won. If they won, I had to shave. If not, I had to let it grow. Unfortunatley, that year happened to be 2002, and the Cubs won a solid 63 games. I'm pretty sure I grew a few patchy goatees that year. I think I eventually cut it into the ridiculous Matt Clement-like chin beard. That clearly did not help his career.

Here are things I would not do for a championship by my favorite teams:

- I would not remove a body part, unless that body part is a mole or a malignant tumor.
- I would not quit my job or give up music (unless I was getting another job or planned to give up music anyway.)
- I would not run naked through the streets of downtown Sacramento (or Oakland or really anywhere for that matter.)
- I would not pay money (except the money I've spent on apparel, tickets, or the MLB.TV package.)
- I would not give any sexual favors to any of the players.
- I would not shave Dante Bichette's back.
- I would not wear a Denver Broncos jersey to an Oakland Raiders game.
- I would not wrestle Carlos Zambrano- I don't want to end up like that Gatorade machine!

But what would I do?

- I would train for a half marathon, or something like that.
- I would eat a full plate of green beans even though I hate them.
- I would shave my head, or get some other ridiculous haircut.
- I would wash Ron Santo's prostetic legs. Spotless!
- I would not eat meat for a year.
- I would let Bill Murray open hand slap me across the face.
- I would listen to one Nickelback album from start to finish. But only once.
- I would drink a 24 pack of beers in celebration!

Unfortunately, nothing I do actually affects the outcome of the Cubs' games (unless my name was Steve Bartman, and fortunately, it is not.) In case the Cubs turn it around and do actually win this year, I will not have some crazy night where I do and accomplish all of the things mentioned above. But what realistically would be something I should do if the Cubs win? What would you do to help your team obtain a championship? All in all, it doesn't really matter because I'm getting too old for superstition, or am I just down because the Cubs are terrible? Who knows?


Tony B. said...

Also, this site is ridiculous- the guys on KNBR recommend it for cheap jerseys:

Damon Bruce has been wearing throwbacks all week from this website... solid deals.

GMoney said...

Ironically, green beans are my least favorite food as well. Things are a bit different for me. I would not "do" much for another Yankees title. While it is sweet, I've been there before so I should act like it.

For a Redskins Super Bowl win, I think that I would spend a month in a federal prison. I think that I would. I think that I'd put in a "no rape" clause though.

Tony B. said...

What about for a Cavs championship?!

Similarly, I wouldn't do all that much for another Bulls championship- I'd probably just put on a DVD of Jordan and crew and enjoy that instead. (Don't get me wrong, I'd still love it, but give me a Cubs ring over that any day!)

GMoney said...

I'm not sure what I would do for the Cavs. Take a swirlie in a port-o-john at a construction site maybe?

Rae said...

omg some of these are GOLD. you're hilarious, t-bag.