Wednesday, September 16, 2009
I must admit, the thought of Jimmy Fallon hosting a late night TV show seemed to be about as good of an idea as hanging for three hours in a room with children that are contagious with the swine flu. However, I will say that I've watched the show, and to be honest, it is a lot better than I expected. One skit they do is where Jimmy writes out thank you notes to random people, groups, celebrities, etc. Today, I'd like to write some of my own thank you notes.
Dear Patrick Mannelly,
Thank you for direct snapping the ball to a running back in punt formation, up 2, with a 4th and 11, in your own territory, you've shown me that it may not be a good idea to give instructions to employees like "always direct snap the ball if you see someone running off the field so the other team might be called for a penalty, no matter what the situation is." You completely changed the momentum of the Bears/Packers game by treating this instruction as black and white, and not using your head to take into account the game situation. What was the upside? A penalty and then a re-kick at 4th and 6?
Dear Jimmy Fallon,
Thank you for coming up with this sketch idea. True, I'm ripping it off, but I feel this is making up for all the sketches you ruined on SNL by not being able to control your laughter. Hey, at least I gave you credit for the idea, I'm doubting many people watch your show at this point.
Dear ESPN First Take,
Thank you for your watered-down sports coverage mixed with Skip Bayless. This provides the worst entertainment I can think of. It really helps give me motivation to find better sports coverage, and reminds me of what a douche Skip Bayless is.
Dear Rough Toilet Paper generally in public bathrooms,
Thank you for being so uncomfortable that it gives me huge incentive to only use public bathrooms during an emergency. The lack of clean up and pain you provide really reminds of how good I have it when I purchase the 2 ply soft cotton TP for my own personal use.
Dear Adrian Peterson,
Thank you for handing me a fantasy victory in one league, and a fantasy loss in the other. You make me feel great and awful at the same time. At least it keeps me grounded.
Also, go easy on the Bears this year...
Your fantasy manager (in one league),
Dear Future Mrs. B.,
Thank you for being determined and getting this photo. It depicts the fine mall cop at the Arden Mall in Sacramento hitting on the Build-A-Bear employee in front of the store. Your determination is just one of the reasons why I'm marrying you! Enjoy the glory of this photo, it's not like either one of them had anything else to do...
Dear Patrick Swayze,
Thank you for giving us such hits as Point Break, Ghost, and the Chippendale's sketch from SNL. I hope you do come back as a ghost, but only to rob banks in ex-Presidents' masks, find extreme rushes, and to haunt Keanu Reeves. Here's to you showing all the angels in heaven how to dirty dance (and if you're in hell, at least you can dirty dance there too.)
All the best,
Gotta run, maybe I'll add a few more later!