Saturday, September 12, 2009

NFL Predictions (Part Deux)





















"Don't worry girl, you can tell I'm not a sexual predator."

It's looking more and more like the rape charges against Ben Roethlisberger are bogus. I mean, when there's a record of the woman bragging about having sex with him via text message, you'd have a had time convincing me of his guilt. I do wonder if it will be a distraction, but based on his performance Thursday night, let's assume not. Onwards with the AFC predictions:

North:

1) Pittsburgh Steelers - It's tough to bet against the defending champs. Their defense is outstanding, and their offense is led by Big Ben. Their running game looked less than impressive Thursday, but we'll chalk that up to Week 1 rust.

2) Cincinnati Bengals - Did Hardknocks brainwash me? I don't think so, but I could be wrong. I think they edge out Baltimore for the second place position and a Wild Card. Carson Palmer has to stay healthy though.

3) Baltimore Ravens - I'm very interested in Joe Flacco's sophomore season. I think he comes back to earth a bit and maybe loses a few games for the Ravens. However, I'll already predict that he bounces back next year. Teams will adjust to him this year, and he'll adjust next year.

4) Cleveland Browns - The Dawg Pound is going to need some serious divine help to have a winning season. I see them praying to any god like that Benny guy from the first Mummy movie. In this case, no mythical mummy will respond to the Star of David by saying "The sign of the slaves, you shall serve me." What a weird line (and comparison), right?

West:

1) San Diego Chargers - This is the only team worth mentioning in this division. The only argument you could make to say this isn't the worst division in football (over the NFC West), is that the Chargers are the best team in both divisions. They should do just fine this year.

2) Raiders, Chiefs, Broncos - They all go 1-1 against each other, and all finish 2-14. Ok, so that may not realistically happen, but if it does, I don't think anyone will be surprised. These teams are all tire fires in the land of the NFL.

South:

1) Indianapolis Colts - I'm not ready to give up on these guys just yet. True, I hate them, but they'll still win the division this year. They are about to get usurped by the Texans in the years to come though.

2) Tennessee Titans - Jeff Fisher is too good of a coach to let these guys miss the playoffs. Once again though, if they're not on their game, the Texans will take advantage.

3) Houston Texans - One year away folks. One year away... I love the defense, and the offense- they just need a little more experience.

4) Jacksonville Jaguars - Hello Jaguar! What in the holy hell happened to these guys? One year they were beating the Steelers in the Wild Card Round, the next they look like the most inept team in the league. Seems odd, but they aren't ready to compete this year.

East:

1) New England Patriots - Tom Brady's back like Voldemort in the Harry Potter series. He Who Shall Not Be Named is going to absolutely ruin this division and win it by 4 games.

2) Miami Dolphins - I see them coming back down from last year's surprise season. Plus, I don't pick teams to go to the playoffs when I can't name their #1 receiver. Is it Ted Ginn? Whoever it is, they are not a huge Fantasy force.

3) New York Jets - Like the defense, don't like the offense yet. New coach, and new QB leads to a rough year.

4) Buffalo Bills - Good luck with all that...

Playoffs:
WC Round: Steelers over Titans, Colts over Bengals
Divisional Round: Patriots over Colts, Steelers over Chargers
AFC Champioship: Patriots over Steelers

Super Bowl: Patriots over Eagles in a rematch of a Super Bowl that I'm fairly sure I fell asleep during the 3rd quarter. Will McNabb puke in the huddle again? Will Tom Brady dominate? Will PETA protest the Super Bowl? Yes, yes, and yes! Should be a great year!

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