Thursday, September 10, 2009

Thank You Notes






















I must admit, the thought of Jimmy Fallon hosting a late night TV show seemed to be about as good of an idea as hanging for three hours in a room with children that are contagious with the swine flu. However, I will say that I've watched the show, and to be honest, it is a lot better than I expected. One skit they do is where Jimmy writes out thank you notes to random people, groups, celebrities, etc. Today, I'd like to write some of my own thank you notes.

Dear Milton Bradley,

Thank you for completely under-performing for the Cubs this year. I don't particularly like people of your character on my favorite baseball team, and you've made it extremely easy to root against you. Had you performed well, I probably would've cheered you on and blocked out your arrogant, yet overly sensitive ways (what a weird combination by the way!) You playing the race card against the fans was by far the clincher. You've shown me how easy it is to make excuses for personal mediocrity.

Sincerely,
Tony B.

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Dear Arthritis Cream,

Thank you coming into our household as a joke gift for Future Mrs. B.'s bachelorette party. I believe you were meant to be used "as we grow old together." Well, well, well... the time is now! Not only did you smell like spearmint Breath Savers and burn like fire, but my left knee and lower back feel much better today! Is this an indictment of me getting old? Maybe. But did it make me feel better? Yes it did.

Best regards,
Tony B.

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Dear San Francisco Giants,

Thank you for clearing my head of any rogue thoughts about cheering for you on September 27th. You see, I'll be at the game in my Ryne Sandberg jersey cheering for the Cubs like usual. I was feeling a bit like this: "if the Cubs are eliminated, why not be ok with the Giants winning?" After your last two games against the Padres, not only do you not deserve to go to the playoffs, I think you may have eliminated your chances (I doubt the Rockies will lose the rest of the season with the way they are playing.) You've made it all too easy to cheer against you.

Respectfully,
Tony B.

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Dear Date Obsessed People,

Thank for you helping me realize how ridiculous this is. Yesterday was 09-09-09. So what? Someone long ago decided on time and dates, and depending on what part of the world you live in, the date might be different. My point is that you've made me realize that date/time watching is for astronomers, people with birthdays coming up, and people with deadlines. If you're watching the clock for the exact second that shows 01:23:45, 06/07/08, then you're clearly not distracted enough by your real life.

0010001101,

Tony B.

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Dear NFL Season,

Thank you so much for coming back today. I've missed you so much.

Your friend,
Tony B.

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Dear Kevin Gregg,

Thank you for pitching so poorly that there is no way the Cubs will retain you. I cannot wait until your goggle-glasses and lacksadaisical pitching motion are gone from the North Side.

Gratefully,
Tony B.

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Dear Jay Cutler,

Thank you for crying your way out of Denver. Many people think you're a headcase and a bad teammate. As long as you throw lots of touchdowns, lay off also throwing pick 6's, and don't trip over white yard markers painted on the ground in the Super Bowl (I'm looking at you, Sexy Rexy) then we will be just fine. Enjoy your first game as a Bear!

Beat the Packers,
Tony B.

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Dear Full Tilt Poker,

Thank you for always putting me in my place. Just when I'm feeling really great, you never fail to help someone defeat me on the river with a 1 or 2 outer. It keeps me from becoming cocky or getting too ahead of myself.

Graciously,
Tony B.

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Dear 24 Hour Haircut Place in Sacramento,

Thank you for being open anytime I might need a haircut. I've never used your services, but just knowing you're there gives me piece of mind.

All the best,
Tony B.

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Dear Applebees,

Thank you for consistently making me sick after eating at your establishment. It doesn't even matter which location I eat it, it is always bad. It makes me realize that 1) Chili's is way better, and that 2) there's no way I'll ever eat at your restaurant ever again unless I'm horribly constipated and need a fast acting diarrhetic.

Be well,
Tony B.

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Dear Person Who Yells For "Freebird" At Every Show,

Thank you for reminding everyone that no one wants to actually hear that song. And no, it's not ok to exchange "Freebird" for "Stairway To Heaven." No Stairway- Denied!

Party on,
Tony B.

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So there we have it. I just wanted to make sure I got a chance to thank a few folks that really have made my life better in small and large ways. Enjoy your Thursday, and if you're in Walnut Creek tonight, stop by the Pyramid Alehouse after 6:30pm. I'm playing until 10pm!

5 comments:

GMoney said...

I was wondering why you were still talking about the Cubs when Bears Fever (no relation to Jim Lefevre) should be taking over.

I hate Applebee's, too, but I had to go with the in-laws a few weeks ago and had a burger with shrimp on it and it was shockingly outstanding. I had to keep going outside to look at the sign confirming that I was actually eating good in the neighborhood.

Dear Jim Breuer,

JACKPOT!!! Your career is over.

--If you have no idea what I'm talking about, consider yourself lucky.

Tony B. said...

Dear Pizza Hut,

Thank you for having the idiotic idea to put an extra ring of cheese around a food that already has cheese melted over 90% of the topside surface area. Also, thank you for having Jim Breur as your spokesperson. It's nice to know he's still alive (and presumably breaking out his "Goat Boy" voice to anyone that will listen.)

Lastly, thank you for trying to insinuate that the two hot girls on either side of Mr. Breur actually eat this ring of cheese pizza on a daily basis. I appreciate the imaginary world you've built where people don't get fat even when they regularly eat your massively caloric food.

Tony B.

- Wow, who knew that was coming?

Rae said...

Dear Tony B,

Thank your for this blog post.

1) Cutler can die in a grease fire, the traitor.
2) I will never go back to Applebee's after a traumatic incident involving rotten meatloaf.

Have a nice day,

Rae

Tony B. said...

Dear Rae,

Thank you for your note as well. In response, I have a few things to say:

1) You should be more mad at Josh McDaniels or the Denver owner for the way Cutler was handled. He didn't help the situation, but if McDaniels publicly or maybe even privately backed Cutler, he would still be a Bronco.

2) Also, I recall a certain NFL Network video of you at this year's Draft going nuts (in a good way) after the Michael Crabtree pick. Not looking so hot anymore, huh?

3) Did you ever encounter the server at the Davis Applebee's that looked like Horacio Sanz? Hilarious!

Warmest wishes,
Tony B.

porklover said...

Here's an awesome that is adapted from a comment at PFT.

Dear Mr. Crabtree
Thank you M.Crabtree for donating your career in the NFL for the purpose of getting Goodell to take this issue seriously and cap the rookies!

Thanks again, it must have cost you a fortune.

NFL Fans