A Case of the Mondays

I have a few quick updates from the weekend before I get into my main rant:

- Friday night, Future Mrs. B. went out with her friends, and I had the apartment to myself. I pretty much just played music all night and it was awesome. Learning new songs and practicing electric guitar- it was way more exciting than it sounds!

- Saturday morning we went to San Francisco to the Diamond Exchange. We went looking for our wedding rings, and we found excellent choices. We did end up having to special order the bands. While it's weird to spend a bunch of money, then walk away empty handed, the bands are going to look great when we get them.

- Saturday was also the two year anniversary of when FMB and I started dating. It feels like it's been forever- in a good way!

- Sunday brought another trip to the studio. It was very, very, very productive! I laid down bass on three songs, and back-up vocals on two. Five songs were finished during the session. Second Rate Song, Shallow Water Blackout, Neon Sign, This Time Around, and What's The Past Got In Store? are done and done. Ready for mixing and mastering.

- During the session, I made special effort not to look at the Bears' score. You see, I DVR'ed the game, and I was planning on watching it once I got home. I got home around 7:30, and I was pumped for commercial free football in a hostile Invesco Field. Unfortunately, this was not to be...















Your first guess of the DVR not recording would be incorrect. In fact, what actually happened was a fire about an hour north of my apartment. Is it tragic that 500 acres of land were on fire in the Auburn area? Yes. My best friend is a firefighter, and I am well aware of the dangerous nature of fires. It's also unfortunate that 50 homes were destroyed. However, was my blood boiling as I fast forwarded the DVR after the first commercial break of the game, and 2.5 hours later (in fast forward time) there was still nothing other than commercial free coverage of the Auburn fires? YES.

Dear KCRA Channel 3,

Your excessive coverage of the fires in Auburn was excessive and unnecessary (and to be honest, my excessive use of the word "excessive" is also unnecessary- but I'm angry!) You could have cut in ever so often to give us updates, yet instead you felt it necessary to give us multiple views of homes burning and sad people for over 3 hours. That is highly depressing and boring. You could have put a text bar on the bottom of the game alerting people of the emergency in the Auburn area, and given us occasional live updates, rather than blast our senses with visions of fire, smoke and debris.

Best, Tony B.

I, of course, did not send this to the station. It's unnecessary for me to complain as a customer, but I'm still mad I didn't get to see the game. Long story short, I have nothing to say about Jay Cutler's return to Denver because I DIDN'T F-ING SEE IT!

Now to finish my weekend with some HBO programming...

Video Friday

I'm taking the easy way out- we're having video Friday here at Second Rate Blog. We're doing this mostly because I want to distract myself from the Cubs, ProFlowers, and the fact that Tom Brady got drafted one spot before I was about to pick him in my first Fantasy Football Draft. Damn.

- I love my iPhone! It has so many lovely features:



- Mario Kart is by far my favorite video game series of all time. I would trust Toad with my life!



- Before Mark Wahlberg was in "The Departed" he once was a white hip-hop artist that did work out videos. His moniker was, of course, Marky Mark, and he was ridiculous.



I saw this guy on Tosh.0- he is not very good at his supposed "talent."



Speaking of Daniel Tosh, here's a clip from his show- is it racist?:



I hope you all enjoyed the videos as much as I did. Have a great weekend, and I'll see you on Monday to talk all about Jay Cutler dominating the Broncos in Denver on Sunday night!

Customer Service: ProFlowers

In February, I ordered flowers from ProFlowers.com. They are constantly advertising on sports talk radio, and I was swayed to order a dozen (or was 18 or 24?) roses for Future Mrs. B. All was well until this morning...

When I checked my credit card statement (to see if the charge for our honeymoon had been posted- and yes, it had- we're going to Jamaica!) I noticed a rather unusual charge. The charge was for $14.95 from Easy Saver in Maryland. Hmm... I tried to think of every expense over the last few days and couldn't come up with a thing. So I Googled "Easy Saver" along with the phone number provided and was immediately shown message boards of this scam. It originates with your order at ProFlowers. They will extend an offer for $15 off your next order, and if you click the coupon, Easy Saver will give you a coupon, but then you will start getting charged $14.95 each month. What a great deal, right?! Needless to say I was furious, and I went back over my statements, and apparently I had over $100 in charges from this God-foresaken company. I immediately called them, and they are in the process of reversing the charges.

Even though Easy Saver was quick to refund the charges (they obviously get this a lot) I wasn't satisfied. ProFlowers should burn in hell for duping people into signing up for spam credit card charges. Here is the email I wrote them:

Hello,

I bought flowers for my fiance for this past Valentine's Day. Today I noticed a charge on my credit card from the Easy Saver company. As I looked back, I had been charged 7 TIMES since March. I did a quick internet search and found that the reason I had been charged originated from my purchase with your company.

It is horrible business practice to slyly sneak charges onto credit cards, and whether it is your actual company charging, or if you just have some business partnership with Easy Saver, I can tell you this- I WILL NEVER PURCHASE ONE PETAL OF A FLOWER FROM YOUR COMPANY AGAIN. Please remove my name off of every single email list you have and never send me anything ever again. I will also encourage my friends, family and co-workers to never use your service, ever, ever, ever again.

Anthony Bataska

And they replied with (my extra comments will be in parenthesis):

"Dear Anthony,

Thank you for contacting ProFlowers. We sincerely apologize for any inconvenience our mailings have caused you. (It wasn't your mailings- it was your shady business that was the problem.) Your name has been removed from our list, but this change may not be reflected for one to two weeks. (Really? Two weeks to remove me from an email list? You really do excel at slow service ProFlowers!)

Please let us know if you have any further concerns regarding this issue. (Well, since I already told you never to contact me again, I have a concern with you listening at less than a third grade level.)

We really appreciate your feedback on the EasySaver Rewards program. (Doubtful.) Rest assured, we take your comments seriously and we are constantly evaluating our partner programs to ensure they are providing the best value to our customers. (I'm on pins and needles!)

We apologize for any confusion you may have had with the enrollment process or the program itself. Let me take a moment to summarize the program enrollment. (Oh, so this is the part where it becomes my fault that you have an ass-backwards business practice that is diseased with small print.) After you make a purchase on our site, we offer a $15 coupon good towards your next purchase. If you click on that coupon you will land on a registration page to join our EasySaver Rewards program. In order to enroll and receive the coupon, you must enter your email address and zip code as your acceptance of the terms and conditions of the program. The enrollment process and related partner program fees are stated within the Offer Details to the left of the "accept" button. (Well, what if I told you that I'd rather buy from a place that isn't directly attempting to rip me off- would that shock you? Your pseudo-polite language is condescending and overlooking the obvious point that this is ridiculous and no one would sign up for it if they knew what was going on.)

We do not wish for any customer to be in the program who does not desire to be, and will help you to cancel your membership if you wish. If you have not already done so and would like to cancel this membership, feel free to call EasySaver Rewards directly at 1-800-355-1837 and simple instructions will be provided for you to cancel. (Already done by the time you wrote me- what's with the larger than 4pt font now?)

We understand your frustration and will incorporate your feedback as we refine the program for future customers. To follow up, I am going to forward your valuable comments to our group that oversees the program. Our customer experience is of the utmost importance and we will do anything to improve your future shopping experiences. (Oh really. You offered me nothing- not that I would've accepted it- but it really shows me that you really don't care about my future shopping experiences because there will be no more future experiences on your awful website.)

Once again, we apologize for your poor experience and we are here to help in any other way necessary. (No you're not, you want me to put in more effort to think of a way to make things right? I disagree completely. No more energy will be used after this.) If you have any questions or concerns, please do not hesitate to contact us. We are available for you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. (Riiiiight. Just what I need, a 4am chat with one of your reps will make things all better, I'm sure.)


Best Regards,

HB Mary Tadiello
Customer Care
ProFlowers
Send love, not like. Send ProFlowers."
________________________________________________

So there you go. That's my horrid customer service experience for the week. Feel free to let everyone know that no matter what Dan Patrick says during Valentine's Day season, DO NOT shop at ProFlowers.com. Support a local florist or pick some daisies from a garden. There's no need to deal with extra shady charges and customer service agents who clearly could care less about future business.

Halloween 2004

My Best Man, Sean, and I discussing (via IM) the recent Billy Wagner trade to the Red Sox:

SEAN: i wanna see papelbon and wagner fight

ME: definitely

or what would be better... a fastball duel!

start back to back, take 10 paces, turn and fire!

SEAN: haha, hell ya

ME: that would be sick

SEAN: im in. id pay to see that

ME: it would probably start with papelbon slapping wagner in the face with a batting glove

"I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL"

aaron burr style
SEAN: haha

Sean also sent me a picture from Halloween a few years ago when we dressed up as Ronald McDonald and the Hamburgler. The picture can be seen here:

















This is a picture from our work Halloween potluck in 2004. That day at UC Davis, we had finished our work and decided to have some fun. We went around to various departments showing off our costume. Since we had left over McD's hamburgers from our lunch potluck, we brought them with just in case...

We ran into a few of our friends from the Athletic Department and they dared us to run through the Student Recreation gate as a joke. I'm not sure we realized how seriously the workers at the gate took themselves, but a dare is a dare, right? We debated it for a few minutes and hadn't really come to a conclusion...

As I was walking down from another friend's office (near the Student Rec Center), I wondered where Sean had run off to. I was carrying the bag of hamburgers in a haphazard manner. I reached the bottom of the stairs and Sean jumped out from his hiding place and grabbed the bag of burgers. He began sprinting across the lobby toward the Student Rec gate. I did what any great Ronald McDonald would do- I ran (with high knees because of my clown shoes) after him and shouted, "STOP HIM! THE HAMBURGLER HAS MY BURGERS!"

We both passed through the gate as people stared and/or laughed at us. Sean ran into the weight-room area to the left. He began passing out burgers and giving the "Shhh" sign to employees and people trying to get their lift on. I was still on the outside of the weight room because I was less mobile in my ridiculous shoes. I turned back and realized that the student worker at the gate was freaking out. He was on the radio calling Campus Security. The odd thing is that he never reported me- only the Hamburgler. I guess he realized I was the victim in this crime.

At this time, our friend that we had just visited heard via radio what was going on and he came down to straighten everything out. He told the student that everything was ok, and to call off the security. I yelled to Sean to come back out (I think he was hiding at this point.)

When we walked back the way we came in and two funny things happened. One, Sean offered the way-too-serious student worker a hamburger. The student replied, "Are they even real?" We told him they were and he grudgingly accepted.

The second funny thing was that a radio that had been left on the counter went off as we were leaving. "WE'RE LOOKING FOR THE HAMBURGLER!" it exclaimed over the air-waves. That was definitely our cue to exit the situation.

PS: I clearly love Halloween- maybe a little too much. This year taught me that I will never paint my face like that ever again!

The State Fair

At about 5pm on yesterday I was feeling much better. I was past my exhaustion and ready to get something to eat. Future Mrs. B. and I had tentative plans to go watch the band Tonic at the California State Fair. To be honest, we almost bailed on the whole plan, but in the end decided to stick to it.

I had never been to the State Fair, and it actually was pretty cool (well, as cool as fairs can be, I suppose.) The best part of the fair for me was the actual Tonic concert. There were plenty of free seats to be had so FMB and I went and took our seat (the band was already on stage when we got there, but we could hear the concert as we walked up to the entrance.)

This was actually the third time I've seen them play, but I'd never seen them as a headliner before (they had opened for the Verve Pipe and Third Eye Blind the two previous times.) Also, I believe they broke up a few years ago and recently decided to get back together. For anyone who is familiar with them, they played all the hits: "If You Could Only See," "Casual Affair," "You Wanted More," "Soldier's Daughter," etc. etc. It was a great show, and they announced that they will be recording a new album in October, so look out for that.

In addition to the actual concert, they had a woman near the front of the stage with a spotlight on her the whole time. Her purpose, you ask? To provide SIGN LANGUAGE for the concert. Now, in no way am I trying to offend anyone, and by all means, comment to explain if I'm missing something, but why in the holy hell would a deaf person sit at a music concert just to watch someone sign music lyrics for an hour and a half? Luckily Tonic's lyrics are decent (but not ground-breaking or mind-blowing) but at no point would it be worth sitting through a show without sound and only watching someone sign the lyrics. I imagine this would be like having Stephen Hawking read lyrics while a strobe-light hit you in the face. It's too bad they can't have someone like Ice Cube throwing down gansta rap lyrics while the woman signed away.

While providing the signs, she also took some artistic liberty to rock out while signing. She would sway like a stoned Woodstock concert goer while performing her majestic hand signals. Who knew the sign for "junkie" was stabbing your opposite arm with a knife made of air? She also signed, "Ooooh ooooh" with a few fist pumps! It was clearly a site to be held.

After the show, we rode the Ferris Wheel and the Yo-Yo (giant swings.) The fireworks went off at 10pm, which seemed to be a bit too brief. Last but not least, I had to take my chances with the basketball shot. I don't care if the damn Sacramento Kings were at the fair, I still think I was the best person in the house to shoot and win prizes on those rigged hoops. Obviously the hoops are smaller than regulation, the balls are stiff (that sounded funny) and the physical rims are probably greased. All you need is a lot of arc and the ability to shoot in a straight line and you've at least won a stuffed Grape Ape.

So I paid my $5 for three shots. 2 out of 3 should've gone in but of course, none of them did. I suppose I shouldn't have bragged in the previous paragraph about what a great shooter I am, huh? Like the truly addictive and competitive person I am, I threw down another $5 (In fact I paid with a $20 bill and the guy had to double check to make sure I was only paying for $5 worth of shots- I must've had a crazy look in my eyes.) On the second shot of three, I put one in, guaranteeing me a prize. The third shot was in and out, so I missed my chance at a Reggie Miller jersey (why do fair prizes always come from the ten years ago?) Final count:

Actual stats: 1 for 6 - 16.67% from the field
Hypothetical stats that I believe I deserved: 4 for 6 - 66.67% from the field

So what prize did I win for my future bride? It was, essentially, a white and black-striped tiger rug with an actual tiger head. It may be hard to envision, which is why I have a picture for you all. Beautiful isn't it? Quite the regal animal! So I paid $10 for an imitation Siegfried and Roy white tiger blanket. I'm going to be honest with you- it was totally worth it!
















So that was my first experience at the California State Fair in Sacramento. In the end, it was a pretty fun night- white tiger rug and all!

A Case of the Mondays: Tardy Edition

What can I say? I feel way less 50% today. In fact, I called in sick to work because I feel- well, sick. I got after it the last four days and played five shows. Each show was at least 2 hours long, and the average was probably more like 3 or 3.5 hours. All the shows went very well, and I'm pleased to say my voice was still in fine shape last night. This morning, however, was a different story as I sounded like a 60 year old woman who has been smoking for 40 years. My body is simply worn out and needed a day to recover.

I honestly don't have the brain power to dissect each show or even remember the details at this point, but I had lots of fun, and can tell that my performance style is getting better at adapting to each new crowd.

I know this isn't much of a blog, so let's quickly get through some other things from this weekend:

The Cubs - atrocious.
Vacaville Farmer's Market - FREE CORN!
Future Mrs. B's niece's birthday party - fun, but I fell asleep on the couch.
The Boxing Donkey in Roseville - people should really come up to my next show- that place is sweet!
Pool Party in Woodland on Sunday - awesome!
The G St Pub in Davis - someone I 100% did not know requested my song "Box of Photographs." I'm fairly certain I botched my own lyrics in the third verse, and she was singing the correct lyrics at the bar... oh the irony!
Weekend overall - great! But I'm still really tired.

Obscure Music Friday

First thing's first, here are my remaining shows for the week/weekend:

Tonight: Pyramid Alehouse, Walnut Creek 7-11pm
Saturday AM: Farmer's Market, Vacaville 9-11am
Saturday PM: Boxing Donkey, Roseville 9:30pm-12:30am
Sunday: G St Pub, Davis 10pm-1am-ish

Considering I also played last night in Sacramento, you can tell I'm going to be as worn out as my neighbor who seems to regularly call the cops on her abusive ex-husband (don't worry, they make up consistently- I know this because I can hear them through our walls. It' s disgusting.)

How about we do an obscure music Friday? Here are a few albums I strongly recommend you check out:

The National "Boxer" - Originally from Cincinnati, OH, this band is so underrated it's ridiculous. Lead singer Matt Berninger crones in the sweetest of baritones while that band's music is some of the most creative around. This album includes one of my favorite songs OF ALL TIME. You can listen to "Fake Empire" by clicking here.

Grizzly Bear "Veckatimest" - I've just recently gotten into this band, but they are unlike any other band I've heard. I don't have as much knowledge about this band's background (though I'm sure a quick jaunt to Wikipedia will solve that), but I really like the song "Two Weeks." I suppose it could be described as dreamy indie pop/rock. And after searching for the video on YouTube, I can officially say the video is CREEPY. Be warned- it's like these kids are in the Overlook Hotel.

Julian Plenti "Julian Plenti is... Skyscraper" - Paul Banks of the band Interpol heads this new indie rock band. I'm not sure if this marks the end of Interpol, or if this is just a side-project, but I once saw Interpol soundcheck before their concert at UC Davis (2005) and they became entreanched in a loud shouting match on stage about "who the leader of the band was." It's surprising they released another album after that tour. The music is still great with this new band and is similar to Interpol. Check out THIS SONG.

Last but not least, there is THIS VIDEO to start your Friday off right!

A Great Day Almost Ruined...

Yesterday was a very good day. I was productive at work. I had a mental list of things to do when I got home which included: cleaning the kitchen, doing some laundry, practicing some music, and working out. With the first three items out of the way, I headed to the gym to complete the cycle.

The Cubs were even handling their business against the San Diego Padres (I was listening to the game via iPhone)- a feat they had yet to accomplish this week. I was feeling good about myself. And then, disaster struck. I promised not to talk about this douche bag again, but he's HAUNTING MY LIFE! That's right, the steroid guy was back, and he didn't waste any time ruining my workout.

As I walked in the door, he was stomping out (yes, he was stomping out the IN door.) He yelled to the guy at the front counter, "I'll be right back!" The guy heard him and semi-acknowledged, but had other things to do (like scan me in.) This wasn't good enough for Body By Jake. He yelled again, this time in a more angry tone, "I'LL BE RIGHT BACK!!!" Damn dude, chill out. Your temper is worse than Roger Clemens' temper when he threw the piece of shattered bat at Mike Piazza.

I only wanted about a half-hour run on the treadmill, do some ab work and then I was out of there. I figured, "I probably won't see him for the rest of the night, just forget about this A-hole." Oh, how wrong I was.

While on the treadmill, there was a girl doing cardio in the row of machines in front of me. She was in good shape, but she wasn't some over the top hot girl that you might occasionally see at the gym. Five minutes in to my run, the steroid dude walks by her and recognizes her. Now, I had my headphones on initially (listening to Ron Santo talk about how yesterday was the 40th anniversary of his only home run off of Phil Niekro) so I have no idea how they know each other. Could be from work, could be from the gym, could be because he raped one of her friends. All totally possible scenarios.

He continued to talk to her about weird subjects (over conversation about working out, things that make him angry, and his tendency to eat live rats... ok, that last one didn't come up.) This continued for the duration of my run.

Now she was humoring him for awhile, but the conversation dipped at a certain point. She was giving him a social cue that he clearly did not pick up on. She was saying, "Please go away and let me watch 'America's Got Talent' while I finish my cardio." He intern was saying with his social cues, "When are you going to get off the damn eliptical machine so I can sexually assault you!"

I was sick of thinking about such things, so I removed myself to the aerobics room. After stretching and doing some crunches I was ready to be on my merry way. I had to get my stuff from the lockroom which is past the cardio equipment. As I went past, guess who was still just standing in front of the eliptical machine? You guessed it!

By my count, this guy had been chatting up a girl for 45 minutes (at least) while she was on the eliptical machine. For a guy so concerned about his work outs on previous days, this girl certainly was distracting him from his fitness goals. I could see him realize how much time he's wasted in the gym and turn into the Incredible Hulk and start smashing things (and taking the girl into his private Hulk den.)

The girl seemed like she was indefinitely stuck on the cardio machine. There was no way she was getting off until steroid boy left her alone. I can see her three days from now, emaciated and dying, but still trying to turn the gears of the machine, while this guy was still talking in his perversely animated way.

I did refuse to let this guy ruin my day, but there was a point where I debated breaking up the conversation. I figured, if he got mad enough and physically assaulted me, he'd probably get banned from the gym. I ultimately stayed out of the way, and left the gym as to salvage my day without incident.

I don't know why this guy gets under my skin the way he does, but feel free to rant if there's someone (or some type of person) that gets under yours. Overly polite people? Fake people? Bloggers who talk about the same annoying person in three or more posts? Take your pick.

A Depressing Wednesday

While I'm glad it is the midpoint in the work-week, I am awfully depressed about the Cubs performance in San Diego. One good thing is that, because I had my bachelor party this past weekend, there was no chance of me trying to get down to SD to catch a game or two. I highly debated it, but ultimately gave up because of the excess partying I knew would happen this past weekend.

Monday's game was excruciating. Ted Lilly pitched his ass off in his first start back from the disabled list. But my favorite bumbling closer, Kevin Gregg, came in during the 9th to give up a run to blow the save, then a 3-run-homer to lose the game. Hey Jim Hendry, great job trading the Cubs' best pitching prospect (Jose Ceda) for a guy that I can only describe as the Nickelback of Closers. In fact, that might be too generous because at least Nickelback's horrific music sells to people with sub-standard music taste- there is nothing postive about Kevin Gregg. He looks like he's throwing batting practice with the majority of his pitches.

On to the batters. Alfonso Soriano is a shell of himself. He needs a sports psychologist worse than Brett Favre needs attention (and Wrangler Jeans.) Soriano swang and missed at 3 or 4 pitches during his 8th inning at bat. The worst was the pitch he struck out on. The catcher setup for a low and outside pitch. The pitcher, Adams, misfired and the ball was belt-high over over the exact middle of the plate. 95% of major league hitters are, at the very least, hitting a line drive off that pitch. Soriano whiffed like he was facing Mariano Rivera.

I'm sick of analyzing, or trying to figure out what the problem is. The only way a Cubs team can win, is if they stop caring so much about the city, the curse, the tradition of losing, and even Ron Santo's crazy rants in the radio booth. At some point, they need to do it for themselves and stop worrying about expectations. Right now, the expectations are weighing them down like they have the cast of "More To Love" on their backs- and that is spine shattering.

Bachelor Party (Part Deux)

Ah yes, where were we...

After returning to the Peppermill, I'm fairly certain there was a nap involved for me at this point, but when I returned to the pool area, the rest of the group was socializing with a Bachelorette party. As it turns out, they were Reno locals, and the Bachelorette was getting married on the same day as me. My friends came up huge by chatting this group of girls up, and I'll get to why in a moment.

So after the pool, I went to the Craps table (again) and won $3. Big time, I know. We then went to the buffet for a massive meal. This was our attempt at soaking up most of the alcohol from the previous 24 hours. I'm fairly certain the Island Buffet has stepped up their game as it was better this time than it has been previously. I very much enjoyed the mix of Chinese Chow Mein, with the Taco Bar, and Grilled Salmon.
















After dinner there was more Craps (not successful) then more drinking in my room (very succesful.) And it was off to the club. We eventually found the Bachelorette party and hung out with them on the dance floor. At some point, the Bachelorette asked me if the group wanted to go back into the VIP area because they "had four bottles of vodka that we can't finish." I made sure that it was ok to invite the whole crew, and then it was off to the back VIP room.

In Vegas style clubs, I think of a VIP area as a roped off booth within the club (maybe near the dance floor.) They definitely had those, but these girls had a full room with couches, full bar, and a flat screen TV (which may have been unnecessary, but still cool.) It was an absolutely amazing time.

After hours in the club, I found my way back down to the Craps table. This lead to me losing the rest of my budgeted money. So after a trip to the ATM, I was ready to go again! Fortunately, between Craps and Poker (I was up until 7am) I ended up $17 with this newly extracted cash. Definitely not my best gambling excurtion, but let's be honest, I'm lucky I had any money left at all with how drunk I was!

After two-and-a-half hours of sleep it was time to gather up all the stuff, shower and take off... or was it? Most of my friends had planes to catch and places to be, so they left. Woods, Tim and I stayed around. We first ate lunch at the Coffee Shop, which serves massive portions of whatever you order. It's essentially a better version of Denny's (tastes way better and gives you more food.) Our server, James, was the most awkwardly polite dude ever. Don't get me wrong, he was very nice, just not at ease while taking our order. After anything we ordered or said, he would reply, "Well, we'll just take care of that, then." He truly meant it, but seriously, who is "we?" I'm pretty sure he's taking care of it unless he's referring to the entire Coffee Shop Team of cooks, servers, hosts, hostesses, busers, and managers. And futhermore, what is up with people having repeating catch phrases this weekend?

That brings me to the conversation Woods and I had after our meal. If you had to pick, would you rather always have to end anything you said with "All that jazzy stuff" OR "Well, we'll just take care of that then?" Think about all the scenarios you that would come up in your daily life, and take your pick. I'll leave it open ended for now...

After lunch we moved to the pool area. The EDGE club throws a pool party every Sunday at noon, so we could miss that. The weather was perfect. In fact, the water temperature at the pool was perfect. We were hanging out and just enjoying the weather. That's when Woods and I saw a setup in the corner for Beer Pong. Jackpot! We went over and setup a game. It started as one on one, but as we met more people, we did get two folks from a VIP Cabana to join our game. Michelle and Tony were a great couple played on our teams (Tony's vs. Michelle and Woods.) The Tony's were triumphant, of course! After the game, they allowed us into their Cabana tent. This was awesome because there were food, drinks, and the PGA Championship on their flat screen. It was very nice of them to allow us in their VIP area. The other awesome thing was that we became friendly with the poolside DJ and he was playing anything we wanted. Seed 2.0 by the Roots? Done. R. Kelly's Igition the Remix? You know it. Jackson 5's I Want You Back? Flawless Victory.

All of a sudden it was 4pm and we decided it was time to finally reconnect with reality. The Bachelor Party officially ended at 4:17pm when Woods, Tim and I left the Peppermill. We did stop one more time at In-And-Out on the way back (for old times sake), but that pretty much sums up the weekend. It was a great time, and I'd like to thank all my friends for coming up and contributing to an epic weekend! You guys are awesome!

A Case of the Mondays: Bachelor Party Edition

Well, I'm back from Reno. My bachelor party was a huge success. As I write this on Sunday night, I'm fairly certain I have had 6 hours of sleep between the last two nights combined. I'm not quite sure how to be diplomatic about the whole description of what went down.

My brother, Tim and high school friend, Woods, arrived in Sacramento just after noon on Friday. We loaded up my car and got on the road. The car ride was not bad at all, and we even made a stop at the In-And-Out in Grass Valley. The three of us arrived at the Peppermill without incident at around 4pm. Two of my other buddies, Kevin and Harrison, had flown in and were working out their room issues (they had gotten a disgusting room, and were moved to a more acceptable room to store their stuff and use to get minimal hours of sleep.) After taking a lay of the land we decided to start the party. Our room was upgraded to a suite in the Tuscany Tower, so everyone came up there to begin the night of debauchery. I had brought up a bottle of Jack and a bottle of Skyy Vodka. The Jack (1.75 L) was damn near polished off by the end of the first night. My other friends started arriving and that's when things got ridiculous.

We took over a Craps table, and my buddies JP and Kevin were hot rollers. They won everyone at the table hundreds of dollars, and this made everyone happy. I missed out on some of the details after that because I went to the Poker Room with Brian C. and Mike. While I was initially winning a lot, I made a fatal drunk mistake. When you look at your cards, and you see King-Jack, and flop comes Ace-Queen-Jack, your mind cannot magically change the hold cards into King-10. I am not a magician, or even someone stupid like Criss Angel. On the river, I called a bet of $100 like it was nothing, and flipped the cards over like I had the nuts. Oops. It was embarrassing and actually fairly sobering (for 4:15 am.) I ended up not being down much because we had won at Craps.

My friends came over to tell me about how a couple of them got into a fight at the night club within the Peppermill and got kicked out. Ultimately, it ended up working out because the next night the club manager made good and let the entire bachelor party in for free (they agreed that the fight was not instigated by my friends.)

So after going to sleep at 6:30am, I woke up at 10:15 to get ready for my surprise paintballing excursion. I had never been, and while I was not in the mood to do anything physical, I forced myself out of bed and into the bus driven by a dude with a hairdo as impressive as Kenny Powers' mullet. During our safety briefing (given by the same guy who drove the bus), the guy said, "All that jazzy stuff" a total of twelve times. For example, "We need you guys to keep your masks on whenever you are inside the netted area because we can't have someone lose and eye, go to the hospital, and all that jazzy stuff."
















(Update: Picture added of us after being pelted by paintballs. The two guys around me to the right were the pros that worked there.)

Once we were briefed, given jerseys, and guns, we headed in to the battleground. I'm fairly certain the adreline rush experienced during the first session cured my hangover momentarily. The first session confirmed two things that I thought were true, but was never certain about. One, paintballs freaking hurt! Two, I would be a horrible soldier. I'm a huge target ready and waiting to get pelted with balls (ok, that came out wrong, but you understand my point.) It reminded me of Little League all over when I used to get beaned at least once a game.

After an hour of games we decided to play one final round. One of the professionals suggested a game called "Terminator." Essentially, it's one-on-the rest of the group, and the one guy is invincible (can get shot as many times as they can handle without getting knocked out.) Everyone else is on the other side, and if they get hit once they are out. Guess who got to be the T-800 in this case? That's right, me. Getting pelted 30 times during that one round might actually be a low estimate. I literally couldn't see out of my goggles by the end of it. The one lucky thing was that two professional guys hopped in on my side and helped me out. Otherwise, I would've been done! Overall, paintballing was an awesome surprise and I'm happy to have tried it out. Highly recommended and all that jazzy stuff.

I'm losing steam a bit, so I'll post the second half and my final thoughts tomorrow. Until then, I'm going to sleep like a baby, well a baby who had an extremely dangerous blood alcohol level almost all weekend long...

Bachelor Party Time!

Ok, I have to be honest. I had a pretty light blogging week and I apologize...

However, I'm going to Reno for my bachelor party today and I'm hoping to bring back legendary tales of epic proportion. We're talking Beowulf. No, not the horrible CG animated version! We're not even talking about the Gerard Butler version. I'm talking about the story that is so old that no one knows exactly who wrote it, but it lives on anyway (who gets the royalties on that book/movie?)

Returning on Monday. Hopefully...

Wedding Music!

(picture of my friend Dan's excellent wedding reception- Lance, Dan's dad is in the zone during the Isley Brothers' "Shout!" An excellent example of a great wedding song.)

So I've been in charge of getting songs together for my wedding on October 3. Being a musician, it's important to select the right mix of songs for your guests. For instance, during the cocktail hour, I'm looking for songs that are classy, original, loving, and fairly low-key. During the dance portion, it's a whole different ballgame. We want songs that people will recognize and dance to. Anything too avant garde will kill the mood. That being said, there are some songs that are OFF LIMITS. Let's start with those:

"YMCA" by the Village People - This song is the lowest common denominator of music in general, let alone dance and disco music. Why in the world is it fun to dance around to a song about a gym? Why was it necessary for the Village People to dress up like a Policeman, Fireman, Indian, and whatever else they dressed up as? That answers: It's not and it's not, respectively. We as a generation need to stand up and ask- nay! demand that this song is no longer played within earshot of human beings. If aliens saw us doing the arm motions to this song, they would probably decide to conquer or blow up our planet.

"Celebration" by Kool & the Gang - Yeah, we get it. A wedding is a day to "Celebrate good times," blah, blah, blah. DJ's have a hard time resisting this one. I've even heard of weddings where the bride and groom ask the DJ not to play this, and it gets played anyway. Ugh. It's cheesy, overplayed and over-obvious. Needless to say, this will not be played at our wedding.

"My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion - I'm fairly certain this song has gone by wayside, and I'd like to keep it that way. While it was the lead song on the sountrack of the most financially successful movie ever ("Titanic"), it just gives me memories of rabid, foaming at the mouth teen girls waiting in line each day to see "Titanic" again and again and again. It's too bad we can't put the prints of that movie in another version of the Titanic and sink them to the bottom of the ocean. The worst part is that one print would probably survive just so Bill Paxton could interview it 70 years later... you're right, that is unlikely. Group this one in with every other Celine Dion song, and you'll know that none of them will be played at my wedding.

"Lucky" by Jason Mraz featuring Colbie Caillet - There was once a time when I thought this song was good. That was until hundreds of thousands of girls got their hands on the album and have since made statements like:

This song is soooo original!

No one else will have this be their first dance song!

Oh my God! That is soooo us! It totally is like me and my fiance are singing to each other!

I make a point to not let the masses decide my musical taste, but this song has already been played out at weddings. If you played this at your wedding- no sweat! Rock on with your bad self- and rest easy knowing it won't be played at mine.

"Forever" by Chris Brown - If anyone's seen that 5 minute long wedding video that has virally infected the internet recently, you have heard this song. Seems awfully poingant to walk/dance down the aisle to a song by a guy who just beat his girlfriend Rihanna. No thanks- we'll pass on that idea.

Now that I've ranted about songs that won't be there, what about some songs that, original or not, will be played. We'll focus mostly on dance numbers:

"No Diggity" by Blackstreet featuring Dr. Dre - If you don't like this beat, something is wrong with you. Everyone loves the song, yet no one plays it. Rarely do I hear it, but come October 3, it's getting dusted off and bumped hard.

"Wild Thing" by Tone Loc - Great beat. Easy to groove to. Hip hop that rocks. And Tone's name matches mine! Wedding appropriate? Ehhhh [makes the so-so motion with hand], but who cares? People are there to have a great time and party, and this song helps to make that happen.

"I Want You Back" by Jackson 5 - A great danceable song that reminds us of the time when MJ was an innocent black child and not a white, mangled, pill-addicted child molestor. I have not a single shred of guilt dancing it up to this tune.

"Superstition" by Stevie Wonder - This could be the greatest beat ever written. Stevie might be blind, but his ears must have that extra special sense (to make up for his blindness.) This song is as legit as they come.

"Feel Good Inc." by the Gorillaz - A catchy infectious tune that makes everyone get down. If you don't move to this jam, you have no soul. Seriously, the devil may have stolen it.

"Ice Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice - Ruining my creditability? Hardly. During my going away party in fourth grade (when I moved from Ohio to Georgia) fellow classmate and current Real American Hero Aaron Middleton and I rapped "Ice Ice Baby" in front of the class. True, that in fourth grade the meaning of all of the lyrics were a little over our heads, but we did a bang up job. Where was YouTube when you needed it!? From that moment on, I knew that "Ice Ice Baby" would be played at my wedding day (ok, so that last part was a lie, but it sounded good, didn't it?)

So there you go. Some examples of the good and the bad songs that can be played at weddings. If you're wedding is coming up, choose wisely- your guests will probably judge you for it.

Mailing It In Today

Not much in the way of a blog today, but Annoying Blogger did send this to me yesterday and I have a feeling you'll enjoy it:

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1918771

I'll be back tomorrow with something more original...

The Heavyweight Champion of Nagging

I had to pass this story along. Check the link HERE. In what has to be the greatest story of marital bliss, a Chinese man jumped overboard to get away from his wife's nagging. As the story states:

The Chinese lorry driver, known as Zhou, and his wife were on a ferry on the Yangtze River when it all became too much for him, the Chongqing Evening Post reports.

Members of the ship's crew saw the man suddenly run out of his cabin with his hands covering his ears, and shouting: "I can't stand it any longer."

Awesome. This is the ultimate act of realizing all spouses' empty threats for hundreds of years. One could easily say they would rather jump off a boat than listen to the nagging, but to actually do it is amazing!

Also, this guy is only a lorry driver, yet he only has one name? Zhou. In the US and Europe you have to be pretty damn famous to have one name. Cher. Prince. Sting. Carrot-top. Yet this guy is a lorry driver and is known as Zhou. Hell, I'll give it to him now. He's now the most famous man (that I know of) to willingly jump off the side of a boat.

"While we were still puzzling over the this, his wife ran up and continued nagging him," said a crewmate.

"The husband covered his ears again and said: 'I need a break' before jumping over the side into the rushing river.

Initially when I read this I had a visual of him jumping first, and then having his wife nagging him while he was actually in the dark, treacherous water. After re-reading it, that appears to not be the case- but oh, how I wish it was. What could she possibly say to him after he flung himself over the edge of the boat?

"Oh, there you go again! Always taking the easy way out!"

"That is so like you! Always jumping overboard when I'm talking to you!"

"Don't even think you're coming home without the 2% milk! I only drink 2%, you lazy good-for-nothing!"

"I have a good mind to throw myself overboard as well, and when we both die, I will nag you in hell!"

The ending is a happy one. Just-Zhou was eventually found by the police after he swam over a mile across the river. His quote upon being found was:

"I felt I was dying, but even that's better than my wife's nagging," he reportedly told the police.

I have rarely seen better stories than this one.

A Case of the Mondays

Ummmmm... yeah. I'm going to need you to write a blog about your weekend. Ok? Yeah.

- My weekend began with a pretty sweet night out in Sacramento. Future Mrs. B. and I went out to Bistro 33 in Midtown Sacramento for dinner. While I highly recommend the restaurant in general, this location has a really weird dynamic going on. It's not as roomy as the Davis location, making it not as good of a going out atmosphere, but they also play more dance music which makes it confusing to eat at. It's like they are frustrating both demographics that they would want to appeal to. The food was very good though, so at least they have that going for them.

- After that it was off to see "Funny People" at the Regal 16 in Natomas. I definitely enjoyed the movie (great comedy as well as a good story- just remember that it is 146 minutes long), but that wasn't the best part of the night. I fully enjoyed walking by the large lines that had developed to go into the G.I. Joe theaters. It made me feel like I was some kind of VIP where the rules didn't apply. In actuality, I'm just some guy who wasn't going to see action star Marlin Waynes wear a ridiculous looking jump suit that's supposed to justify to the audience why he can pull off gravity defying jumps and flips on opening weekend. Hey! Let me have my rant- it's not often that I'm not grouped in with the nerds. It's my one moment in the non-nerdy sun!

- I played many, many, many, many hours of online poker this weekend. I was playing awfully well for awhile, and then my success ended up being my downfall as I got a bit more careless. I'm still up about $52, but that should definitely be over $100 at this point. The hand of the weekend came when I went up against "PaladinMyke." I had pocket 4's- he raised, another person called, and I called because of pot odds. The flop came 2-3-9. Damn, nothing. He put in another raise, and I put him on A-K, so I called. Next card was an Ace. This is where I admit I got reckless. He raised again, and I figure "Well, now I have that straight draw, so let's get crazy and gamble." Sure enough, a 5 peels off on the river. I check, because I'm sure this guy is going to bet big. He does. I call and completely double up through him. The catch is, that he had POCKET ACES. Oops. I guess that doesn't change my less than steady play, but this time it worked out. He starts in on the speech about how terrible I am to which I replied, "Dude, you're going to be fine. You're a Paladin!" I don't think he appreciated that because his next few chat entries looked Q*Bert's speech balloon after he gets hit by an evil spring (no idea what those things were called.) Bad poker play was saved by drawing out on someone, and then needling them for their terrible screen name. Works for me!

- Sunday was a day of laundry and rest. I watched the Cubs get whacked by the Rockies. I'm not even going to worry about the Cubs at this point. If they can put a string of wins together, then they'll get more ink here. Until then, I'm not going to get worked up over a team that has consistently not taken advantage of opportunities (in games or when division rivals faulter.) Ugh.

- I made my triumphant return to the G St Pub last night! I used to play there almost every Sunday, but that ended last October. They invited me back to play last night and I thought it went very well. The crowd was somewhat small, but they were singing-a-long and getting into it. I'll be back there on August 23 which will be my fifth show in four days! Yikes! I hope I'm able to make it through that stretch...

Overall, it was a great relaxing weekend. Next weekend, I'm returning to the Peppermill in Reno for bachelor party debachary. Hopefully I'll have good stories to tell...

Beer Pong: The Evolving Rules

You all know and love the game. Beer Pong. A game that has become so popular that it has it's own annual Championship Cup that takes place each January in Las Vegas (though, because of the law, they cannot require every participant to actually drink beer. Participants are allowed to substitute water for beer. What self-respecting Beer Pong player would do that?) A game that has become so popular that it was once called Beirut, but over took the less popular, yet original version of Beer Pong that was more akin to real Ping Pong.

While the basic version of Beer Pong involves teams of two, ten cups on each side of a [ping pong] table placed in the shape of a triangle, two ping pong balls, and a cup of water to "wash" the balls off in between each turn (doubtful that the water cleans anything), there are many more rules that have come into play. Rules differ depending on which house you play at, or even what region of the country you happen to be located. I shouldn't need to explain the basics of the game, because you've stopped reading by now if you're unfamiliar. However, I am going to list a few rules that I have come across in different places that I mostly enjoy. I may place one or two in there that I don't enjoy, but they get points for either helping the game, or just plain being creative.

The Elbow Rule - This is fairly common no matter where you happen to be. The rule states that your elbow cannot cross the edge of the table toward your opponents cups. This helps neutralize tall people, such as myself, from leaning all the way over the table and virtually dropping it in the cup. As much as I love 360 dunking ping pong balls into red plastic Silo cups, this rule keeps the game fair and far more interesting. I highly recommend instituting it if you have not already.

The Loose Ball Rule - I need to be in the mood or at least halfway drunk to fully enjoy this rule. Essentially, if a team misses a shot the ball is live until one team gains possession of the ball. If one team is super aggressive they can end up taking many more shots than they would otherwise deserve. It also provides a stronger possibility for injury and destruction of property. I recommend moving sharp and/or valuable objects far away from the game table. Also, the more spillage there is during the game, the filthier people will get as they dive on the ground to gain possession of the valuable Beer Pong ball. One variation says if the team throwing the ball recovers the loose ball, they have to throw it behind their back instead of getting another regular shot. I like this variation because it doesn't massively swing the advantage towards a team that has no problem rolling around in filth equivalent to Oscar the Grouch's trash can to win a drinking game.

Fingering/Blowing The Ball Out Of The Cup - I'm not a fan of this, but it has become quite commonplace in the Beer Pong arena. If the ball is rolling around the cup, or within the second it goes in the cup, people would be allowed to either stick their finger in the cup and pull the ball out (fingering) or blow the ball out of the cup with your mouth (blowing.) Many times, men are allowed only to finger, while women are allowed only to blow. If you're questioning "why is that?" then I'm sending you back to 6th grade Health class and giving you detention. The cons to these tactics are many. First, you are liable to cause a huge spill of all the cups, especially when fingering. Who wants to stand around and clean up the mess/refill the beers? Second, why on Earth would you want fingers and spit ending up in the beer you will most likely be drinking (ok, so this turns into a pro if you win the game and your opponents have to drink the remaining beer from your side.) Third, it's going to cause arguments. People will inevitably say they got the ball out before it came to it's state of rest, while the other team will disagree. It may cause more harm than good to the structure and speed of the game.

Two In The Same Cup, Game Over - It is a team's responsibility to grab the cup off the table as soon as their opponent makes a shot. If they fail to do this, and the second player sinks it in the same cup, the game is over and the shooting team wins. Seeing this happen on the first round of the game is hilarious! Another variation is sometimes called "a bomb" where instead of the game being over, all the cups touching the cup with two balls are also out of play to be drunk, and the shooting team gets another round of shooting. In fact, I've glossed over the rule where if both players on a team make their shots, then they get to shoot again. I've never seen a game that didn't incorporate that rule, so I suppose I just take it for granted. Either way, I like some sort of rule to keep the other team on their toes. If it's not a complete forfeit, there should be an extra penalty against the defense for two balls landing in one cup.

The Bounce - If you can bounce the ball into one of your opponents cups, they'll have to drink two cups instead of one. The catch is that as soon as you attempt the bounce, the defending team is allowed to do their best Dikembe Mutombo impression and slap the shot away (the finger wag is definitely encouraged as well!) The bounce is more easily accomplished as the other team becomes more drunk and distractable. Not all table surfaces will allow for the bounce to be possible.

Dodgeball - I'm not sure I've ever seen this for real, but it's legend has spread like William Wallace's did over the Scottish country-side in the 1300's. If a team misses a shot and the ball bounces up in the air, the defense can slap it back toward the other team. If the ball hits a player on the other team, that player must chug a beer outside of the game. If a player on the other team catches said shot, then the player that attempted the slapshot has to chug a beer outside of the game. This could be the rule that vaults Beer Pong from the garage to ESPN 8 - The Ocho.

NBA Jam Rules - This is by far my favorite addition to the Beer Pong (potential) rule book. If a player on one team makes shots on two consecutive turns, their teammate can then say, "He's heating up," which set the teammate up for the following shot. If at that point he makes his next shot, he is considered "On Fire" and gets to shoot until he misses. The key thing is that this rule only comes into effect when the teammate remembers to say "He's heating up" after the second consecutive make. Without clearly stating the heat up, the next make will only count as a regular successful shot. This can cause fights among the two teams as to whether the heat up was declared, so make sure you say it loud! I took advantage of this rule a few weeks ago, and sank five in a row to start a game. Needless to say, my team dominated that game!

I always love to hear about strange rules that I've never come across, so feel free to mention your favorite rule in the comments. After all, knowledge is power!

Musical Pet Peeves: Rock of Love Edition

I've mentioned previously that I have a few pet peeves as a musician. If I'm not mistaken (and I might be) I've mentioned the following already:

- People who request a song and are seriously offended when I don't know the song, and assume I can not only figure out the music right then and there, but also learn and sing the lyrics without any practice.

- People who ask me if they can play a song or sing with me. First, you're not touching my guitar ever. I wouldn't trust you to carry it while it's in it's case, so no, you're not allowed to play it. Second, you're drunk and believing that this is a good idea- no one else's ears feel that way. Please take a cue from Journey-Opposite Band, Stay Put, and their song "Do Stop Believin'."

Well, I have a new annoyance, and you're going to think I'm crazy when I tell you what it is. Groupies. Not the kind that follow Poison around with only one goal in mind (sleep with a member of the band who is not the bass player.) Oh no, we're talking about a little bit different version of this phenomenon. As a happily engaged man I can't help but wonder, were these girls before? Seriously though, these antics get old after awhile. Here are some of the types of ladies I've run across in my years as a relatively unknown musician:

The Sweetheart - This is the least annoying version of the groupie. She would be at least pretty good looking and flirt harmlessly throughout the night. When it comes down to crunch time, she'd ask if I'm available. When I say, "I'm engaged," she'd politely reply with congratulations and bid me adieu. She probably envisioned me as a nice, sensitive musician and man (true) who was about to sweep her off her feet and engage in a committed relationship (untrue.)

The Cougar - Cougars are all the rage these days and it has produced a large quantity of over-confident divorcees in their late 40s ready to pounce on fresh meat in their 20s (son's friends? who knows?) These ladies are extremely direct with their propositioning and it's 50/50 as to whether they care about me being engaged. 50% of them look like they've were just shaken from their club/bar haze and the mom inside them was woken up. The other 50% get a crazier look in their eye as if they're one of the infected from "28 Days Later." "Must... suck... a young man's face... now!"

The Friend - This is usually occurs when there are a group of girls dancing near the stage (or area where the musician is playing) having a good ol' time. Inevitably, one of the girls will call "dibs" by saying, "Oh, he's cute." [I, of course, am just assuming they said that, hey-ooooooo!] One of the friends will come up to me and say, "My friend thinks you're cute, you should talk to her." Now generally, but not always, the friend who came up to me is better looking than the girl who she's going to bat for. More importantly, and this is the most overlooked aspect of my shows, I can't go talk with your friend because I'M WORKING. I know it looks like I'm having fun, and I am, but my job is to put out a good vibe and make sure people are drinking/singing-a-long. It also is my job to actually sing in a microphone rather than talk to you and your friend. Thank you for offering me a conversation with your less-hot friend (who is even less-hot than my own fiance) though! Much obliged!

The Screamer - Known on "How I Met Your Mother" as a "Woo-Girl," this is the girl that will yell out pretty anything. Song requests? For sure! Less than witty remarks? You know it! Propositions? Absolutely! Look honey, I love the enthusiam, but let's keep it real, you're insecure and want attention. You're like the guy at the comedy club that keeps yelling out unfunny things only to ruin the act for those around him. Even hotness cannot save you from your fate of eventually being hated by everyone in the room. Enough from the peanut gallery already!

The Pusher - This is the girl that is less interested in bringing me home that night, and more interested in scripting my setlist. It starts out as friendly banter during the first few songs. She seems nice enough, and I need to keep the fun vibe going so I indulge her a bit. During the middle of the set, she'll start yelling out every song she's ever heard in between songs- and it doesn't matter what genre the song happens to be in. "Sweet Home Alabama!" [hate that song] "Free Fallin'!" [ok, I can do that] "Motown Philly!" [don't do it but not bad] "Shake It Like A Salt Shaker!" [oh, come on!] "Blame It On The Rain!" [Milli Vanilli? Are you serious?] "Dirty Dancing!" [now you're just yelling out movie titles] "I'm Drunk!" [factual information] After awhile, I have to ignore her and hope she stops the shenanigans- many times it only heightens the yelling and kills the vibe.

The Girl Gone Wild - This girl goes one of three ways. 1) She asks, "Can I make out with you?" 2) She shows me her boobs. 3) She shows me her boobs and then asks, "Can I make out with you?" Ah, your poor parents...

I suppose there are worse problems to have in this world, and believe me, by no means do I think I'm so awesome because these girls come up to me. People (not just girls) are usually looking to enhance their evening when they go out with their single friends. If a group of guys go to a restaurant, and the server is mildly cute, she may often morph through conversation into a "super-hot chick" and one of the buddies may try to hit on her. It has more to do with enhancing the evening than viewing the actual person for who they are and what they look like. I get that. However, I do have to put up with these types of women, and the more gracefully I'm able to handle it, the better off I'll be. Just because my annoyance is buried, doesn't mean it doesn't still exist.

Aces Cracked?

Poker temper tantrums are not uncommon at casinos. As much as I love snotty advice from the Phill Hellmuth, Jr.'s of the world, I'd rather not have to listen to people tell others (and me) about how terrible a play that was and why the other person should have folded rather than continued to call.

I understand that it sucks to get drawn out on and lose a large pot to a completed straight, flush, or two outer, but when it comes down to it- why wouldn't you want people playing that way? If someone is being very speculative (read as reckless), many times they will end up with a busted straight or flush and at worst, all you'll have to do is call or raise a big bluff on their part. If the name of the game is making money, then you want people doing unorthadox things with their money. The equivalent is pretty much like someone staying on 12 in blackjack when the dealer is showing a face card. Most times they will lose, but just because they hung in there, they have a chance of the dealer busting, however unlikely that may be.

So I've decided to relay a cautionary tale about the worst I've ever been busted out at a Poker table in a casino. Did I throw a temper tantrum in the casino? No. But did I come close. Yes. It was a cool October Saturday and my friend and I went to the fine establishment of Cache Creek in Esparto, CA...

My friend and I were seated at different tables, and we had been playing for about 3 hours. I had bought in with $200 at a $4/$2 No-Limit game, and I was hovering around even. I looked down at pocket Aces. I raised to $15. This I felt was a pretty standard raise, though I think $20 would've been more appropriate for the way the table was playing. This wouldn't have changed the outcome of the hand though.

I was at seat 8 and the guy across from me in seat 3 had over a grand in chips. Since the max buy-in was $200, he clearly was a decent player and/or getting ridiculous cards. He bothered me because he was a pudgy hill-billy who sound like he was straight out of the Duke of Hazzard. Anyway, he called, as did one other person (seat 5, I think.)

The flop came 7-8-9. Damn. Horrific flop. Someone could easily call with Jack-10 and have the straight. I decide to see where I was at and I bet $40. Bubba Ray without hesitation goes all in. The middle guy folds so it's up to me. I literally have the feeling that I'm beat, but then I start thinking that this guy is muscling me with his chip stack. I also thought about how pretty those Aces looked and I make the call.

He, of course, had 10-6 of Spades. Awesome. Now, I really can't complain because normally his reckless call would have donated to make a bigger pot for my Aces. Also, I had a feeling that I was beat and I should have trusted it.

So I reserve my seat and go take a breather. I walked around the casino for about 15 minutes and decided to buy back in. I rationalize that I should buy in with another $200 because if I catch a big hand, I hopefully will be able to double that money and get back to even. I sit back down and the guy next to me says, "Ya know, you didn't raise enough on that last flop. You should've raised to $40." Thanks Captian Genius. Raising ten times the big blind, when I've been playing pretty tight the whole game isn't the exact strategy I'd go with. As much as I love winning $6 on pocket Aces, I'll go my own way. (I suppose winning $6 is better than losing $200, but I digress...)

And yet... he did plant that little advice seed in my brain. Wouldn't you know it, I was dealt Pocket Aces again three hands after I sat back down. I decided, "Screw it, I'm taking this down now!" I raise to $40. And you know what? The same two guys who called my $15 bet, called my $40 bet! Mr. Advice to my right needed to shut his hole, and yet I was happy to get all that money in the pot.

The flop came K-6-7 rainbow. It looked like as safe a flop as I could ask for. The hill-billy acted first and immediately pushed all in. The next guy folded, and it came to me. I looked at him and said, "Are we really going to do this again?" To which he asked, "Do you have Aces again?" I said yes to gage his reaction. I liked what I saw and called him.

He held King/Jack. Not bad. More outs than I would like, but at least he didn't have a magically made straight this time! The turn produced a Queen. Scary card because it looks like a Jack, but I'm still good. The river produced a Jack, and I lose to two pair. Just like that, another $200 down the drain. I wanted to cry, then turn the card table over, then punch someone in the face, then punch another person in the face while I made them cry with me. I wanted to go out like Al Pachino in Scarface. Instead I got up from the table and sat by myself reading my "complimentary" copy of Card Player Magazine.

And while I can't pretend like I didn't want to rip the guy's head off for drawing out on me, that type of play, most times, would have worked to my advantage. Obviously, most people would think they are good with top pair and a solid kicker, but why he felt it necessary to go all in without fishing for more information (I could have easily had A-K as well) I'll never know. The point of all of this is that I could've easily been up $400 rather than down $400, with or without temper tantrums. It really had nothing to do with the quality of play or even the betting (in this case.) It had everything to do with the cards falling against me, and there's no need for me to throw a hissy-fit over that.

Muse!

I know I've mentioned before that Muse is probably the best band I've ever seen live. They engage the audience with such a high level of energy that one cannot help but be drawn in deeper. In just over a month Muse will release their new album "The Resistance." If you've managed to avoid them through four studio albums, a B-side album, and two live albums, then it's time for you stop resisting [my bad on the pun.] Here is a LINK TO THE FIRST SINGLE OFF THE NEW ALBUM. I highly recommend checking it out.

You can find another song from the new album on the web (The United States of Eurasia) but you may have to sign up on the Muse website to hear the full version. More songs reside HERE if you're new to them. But more to the point, I'm going to attempt a Top 10 for best Muse songs ever. Let's see what we have:

10. Sunburn - I remember the first time I ever heard this song. It was included in a free mix CD that came with Q magazine. I picked it up because a) I recognized some of the other bands on the CD and b) I worked at Tower Records and it was in the promo CD bin (it was free.) I immediately liked the song, but wrote the band off as a "wanna-be Radiohead." Since then, I have learned that not only does Muse rock more and have a better live show, I just plain and simple like Muse better than Radiohead. The song "Sunburn" is the first song off the album "Showbiz" and it's a tough intro song to beat. Driving arpeggio piano with a slick bass line underneath ties this song together in a way that only Muse does these days.

9. Deadstar - This song isn't on any of their albums, yet it does have a music video... weird huh? It was released as a double A-side single with "In Your World" (similar to "Daytripper" and "We Can Work It Out" by the Beatles.) During the verses, listen to the guitar and bass. There is quite odd timing with when they choose to hit notes in between the pauses. The drums are right in sync with each and every awkward note that they've decided on. They make it sound so seemless when in fact this would be very difficult to perform live. While that type of thing impresses me, you may just like the song because it is damn near a pop/metal song.

8. New Born - This is quite a song to see live. The crowd will always clap in double time during Matt Bellamy's piano intro. Then the bass transistions it into the rocking portion and Bellamy switches from piano to guitar. I literally have no idea how they come up with this stuff, but sometimes I envision Matt Bellamy composing songs looking like the mad scientist from the intro of Robot Chicken:
















7. Starlight - Another clap-a-long gem from the "Black Holes and Revalations" album, this song is basically dance/pop with a hard rock edge. The link is to a live performance at Abbey Road studios. While I'm not a fan of the karaoke lyrics in the corner, it definitely shows them in all of their trio-rocking glory. Now they do have somewhere in the neighborhood of 12-30 computer arranged MIDI tracks to back them up and fill out the sound, but it's impressive that only three people can produce this kind of orchestral rock.

6. Stockholm Syndrome - This song was supposedly inspired by System of a Down, and I can hear it a bit, but Muse blows those guys out of the water in a big way. This is another example of their pop/metal combination. The verses rock in a very dirty way while the chorus is etherial. The transistion between the two is flawless. I made sure to link to a live performance of this one!

5. Apocalypse Please - This song just gives me chills. If it's possible for a banging piano riff to be beautiful, this is the song that does it. Is it just me or does their bass player, Chris, look like Jeremy Piven in this video?

4. Futurism - This is a B-side that is now available on the "Origin of Symmetry" album on iTunes. They didn't originally include it on the album because of how difficult it is to play live. I almost wonder if they should dust it off now that they have many more years of touring under their belt because they riffs in this song are dirty. And I know I keep using "dirty" as the descriptor, but each one of their songs is like watching Tim Lincecum pitch when he's on top of his game. You just have to marvel at how wonderfully amazing the performance is.

3. Time Is Running Out - I have to include this song or fear a mutiny from most people. Arguably Muse's most popular song, it really is the reason I fully became a fan of them. One night I saw the video on MTV2 and the next day I owned the album. Then I all of a sudden, I owned all of Muse's catalog. It was that easy!

2. Knights of Cydonia - Very Queen-influenced jam. Oddly, I remember the first time I heard this song as well. I was driving from Davis to Sacramento to play at the Fox & Goose. The song premiered on the radio and blew me away. It was one of those times that your hear something that someone else produced and want to say, "I give up- I will never write/record/play anything that good, ever." After getting over the initial shell-shock, I realized that I don't have to sit in my bed for two years like Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys, just because Muse rocks the hell out of everything they do.

1. Hysteria - This song kills me every time I hear it. It is so smooth. The bassline is second to none on the "My Favorite Basslines of All Time" list. Subtlely, the drums on this song are amazing. I was at a show where Muse was told to pause after this song because the crowd was becoming to rowdy. It definitely has that kind of effect! Bad days get better when blasting this in your '81 Honda (or whatever you have.)

I highly recommend checking this band out, or just getting stoked for their new album September 14th.

A Case of the Mondays

It's back to the daily grind again, but what did I learn from the weekend? Uh... hmmm... ok, I've got a few things:

- I'm sick of saying it. I hate Kevin Gregg. Seriously. This guy is horrific. One would think that I would empathize with him being that I used to rock the same "guy playing athletics with glasses on" type look. Well, that look ended when I finally was able to get contacts in my prescription (summer after Freshman year in high school) and my patience with Kevin Gregg has run out. Not only did he try to blow the Cubs' Saturday victory by giving up 3 earned runs in the 9th (Cubs eventually won in the 10th), and actually did blow Sundays game (gave up back to back home runs to Dan Uggla and Cody Ross.) The biggest problem with Gregg as the closer, is that even if the Cubs get into the playoffs despite his inept pitching ways, there's no way they'll win many games. Great teams need at least good/serviceable closers and Gregg is not even close to that.

- My Fantasy Baseball team, however, is still rolling. I laid the wood to my opponent this week with a 391.83 to 299 win. In fact, out of all the teams in the league, the next closest team in points scored 331.33. My guys just don't stop. I shutter to think what could have been if Jake Peavy would've stayed healthy, but as it is, they are still dominating. The one thing that does suck, is that they are so good that it makes it hard to pull off trades. People want to too much, and why mess with success, right?

- Saturday was an excellent day filled with lounging by the pool at my friends' house, making fun of the golfers on the 17th hole (their house backs up to a golf course), and playing a show at the Boxing Donkey in Roseville. That place is great! It's usually packed, people sing-a-long with damn-near every song, and the folks that work there are great! I highly recommend coming out for my next show there, August 22nd at 9:30pm. Feel free to comment for any special requests, I'm going to learn a few more songs between now and then.

- I love Poker. Yesterday I was feeling the itch so I bought in on Full Tilt for $33. I lost the first $10 sit-and-go (no great cards/I wasn't playing well.) I took a breather and reminded myself that while playing online, and for small amounts of money, many fancy moves won't work. Many times, a terrible player (or someone who doesn't care about $10) who flops top pair won't lay it down if you represent the flush on the river. You must be PATIENT! I'm fairly certain that is the key to winning online poker (at least in lower limit tournaments and small cash buy-ins.) Anyway, I went on to win the next $10 sit-and-go, then won a $20 sit-and-go (did get lucky at the end as I went in with Ace/Jack against Ace/Queen and two Jacks came on the board.) I then lost a $20 sit-and-go (Queen high flush busted by the Ace high flush- that sucks!) Last, I played a $25 max buy-in cash game and won $16 there. Overall, my account ended with $106 and change (I don't know if that all adds up, but all the important events that I played are mentioned.) I've never really been able to sustain this kind of poker winning over a period of weeks or months, but we'll see how it goes this time. Note to self: BE PATIENT!!!!!!!

It's exactly two months away from my wedding! Yikes! Lots of stuff to get done... so little time!

Now it's back to work, more to come tomorrow.