Wednesday, January 20, 2010

The Jersey Shore vs. The NFL

If you're a reader here, you know that I love the NFL. However, I love other things, too. I love sweet house beats, fist pumping, and watching Jersey Shore. Well, at least one of those things is true.

In order to properly combine two great things, I decided to think about the NFL equivalent of each character on the Jersey Shore. It seems like a funny idea, and truthfully, my other idea was talking about my transaction at the Wendy's Drive Thru yesterday, so we're going to go this way for now.

Angelina = The LA Raiders - Angelina seemed promising at the beginning when she showed up with her stuff in plastic bags. She was pretty cute and was ready to take the Jersey Shore by storm (just like the Raiders won Super Bowl XVIII.) Unfortunately, Angelina missed out on her chance to become a huge (if not, mocked) celebrity because she was too hungover to go work a T-shirt shop?!? Really? She moved out and is currently in relative obscurity- just like the Raiders!

J-WOWW = The Carolina Panthers - J-WOWW just seems like she's a panther. On the prowl, ready to pounce and not afraid to climb all over a guy like he's a tree while grinding in the club. Like the NFL Panthers, J-WOWW always seems to be confusing as how good she'll be. Sometimes, she looks pretty good. Other times, she looks like the queen of the busted. It's like when NFL experts are ready to jump back on the Panthers bandwagon, but then Jake Delhomme fires off 5 picks for a destructive loss. The Panthers and J-WOWW are both hard to figure out.

The Situation = The New Orleans Saints - The Saints have traditionally been a team that couldn't get it done. However, with a new coach, a daily workout regiment, a recent confident swagger, pressed uniforms and a tanning bed, the Saints look like they could get it done this year. The Situation is clearly overcompensating for his past rejections, but his new celebrity could lead him to the promised land of "cool chicks." The Situation has things under control.

Snooki = The New York J-E-T-S - A stout defense that is begging for more national media to recognize them. Am I talking about Snooki or the Jets? How about both? Snooki took a punch in the mouth and was back on the prowl the next day. That's a tough girl- just like Rex Ryan's Jet defense. The Jets have been talking about how they've been "disrespected" and should be "getting more attention." If that doesn't scream Snooki then I don't know what does. Also, they play their home games in New Jersey, so that works too.

Pauly D = The Washington Redskins - This is purely based on Pauly's bronzed skin and slicked back hair looking similar to the Redskins' logo. Let's take a look:

A reach you say? Well, then maybe DJ Pauly D will drop a beat instead to make you fist pump and not worry about it. My second choice was the old Tampa Bay Bucs mascot.

Ronnie = The Baltimore Ravens - The way Ronnie is going, he's going to end up on trial for murder just like Ray Lewis. Ronnie is emotional and hard hitting much like the Ravens Defense. Also, much like the Ravens, his offense (in this case I'm referring to him backing down to Sammi on every argument) is inept. I mean, did he really have to apologize and cry about telling Sammi that she had a "Fred Flinstone big toe?" That seemed a bit unnecessary- just like the Ravens putting up 3 points against the Colts.

Sammi = The Indianapolis Colts - Since I made Ronnie the Ravens, I'll make Sammi the Colts. A sleek and sexy pick to go all the way, and one that can easily defeat the Ravens. However, when you inspect the team thoroughly, you realize that they're really, really, really annoying and you can't stand them. Yeah, I'm talking about both Sammi and Peyton Manning right now. I'd rather stab myself in the ears before hearing either one of them give a press conference.

Vinny = The Houston Texans - Vinny is the youngest in the house and he barely appeared during the first few episodes. The Texans are the youngest NFL franchise, but have improved recently and are currently very competitive. When they would roll the intro to the show I would wonder, "Who is this guy and why is he never on the show?" Recently, however, Vinny has been hilarious and has been gaining momentum. The Situation did commit a robbery by taking his girl (much like the Texans were robbed by the Jets of their playoff birth) but that's the way it goes when you live with a powerhouse like The Situation.

So there you go. Feel free to make your own suggestions about which teams I should have picked for each person. Fist pump!


GMoney said...

First of all, The Situation is making an appearance at a Columbus bar tonight. I will not be in attendance though.

Secondly, he IS the New England Patriots what with his general disregard of people's feelings, general assholishness, and willingness to do whatever it takes to win a title/get laid. Bill Belichick could be The Situation's father.

Do not fuck with Ronnie. Ever. YOU JUST GOT KNOCKED OUT WITH ONE PUNCH, KID!!!

Tony B. said...

Hilariously enough, my first instinct was to make The Situation the Patriots and then I went with the Saints. What's the old saying? "Always trust your first instinct..."

I'm so disappointed that you're not going to hang out with the Situation. What the hell is he doing in the Heart of America?

Rae said...

this. is. PRICELESS! Your comaprisons are UNCANNY! I am posting this everywhere.

Tony B. said...

Thanks Rae! Help make this post find it's way to as many computer screens as the amount of women The Situation is getting with these days.