Friday, March 12, 2010

Hindsight is 20/20 or A Difference In Terms

I have some friends from college who make fun of me every single time we hang out for the exact same thing each time. I can't get out from under it, even though I've changed my ways from this bad habit. What is it you ask? Well, I used to be very forgiving with my movie critiques. I'd find positive things about even the most wretched movies. I think part of it was that I did not want to pay money for a movie, and then walk out feeling cheated (though now I realize that is bound to happen from time to time - read as: 50/50.)

I used to see most of the movies while they were still in theaters, so my friends would ask- "How did you like Jurassic Park 3?" I'd reply with, "Ah, it was pretty entertaining."

They knew to steer clear of movies that I would call "pretty entertaining." My scale was something like this (from horrible to the best ever):

Pretty entertaining --- Very good --- A masterpiece --- F***ing amazing!

I just couldn't go lower than "Pretty entertaining." I've adjusted that these days to:

Absolutely horrible --- Eh --- Very enjoyable --- Great f***ing flick!

In fairness to Jurassic Park 3, it had dinosaurs in it and was better than the "absolutely horrible" "Lost World." But the greatest example of my horrible movie reviewing came in the form of one of my favorite wrestlers' full length feature debut.

True, the Rock had starred in the "Eh" Mummy Returns (which did have good special effects at the time) but I was excited to go see "The Scorpion King." I wanted to like it. I really wanted to love it. When I left the theater, I felt hollow inside. It was not good at all, and in my soul I knew that. But because I refused to allow myself to believe that a WWF superstar could make a bad movie (I mean, Hulk Hogan made "Suburban Commando!") I went into denial mode. When my friends asked me how it was I said, "It was pretty entertaining." I have never been able to live this down as "The Scorpion King" is one of the worst movies of all time.

Years later, I've actually become a much tougher critic and while I have my guilty pleasures, I fully understand why other people might not enjoy them (Transformers and Saw come to mind.) To be honest, I just don't enjoy movies as much as I used to. I'm pretty sure I've only been to the movie theater once during this calendar year, and that was to see "Avatar." That movie is quite the experience (in 3D) but overall it's not like it's that great of a movie (or at least, I've seen the storyline over and over.)

My point is, that I'd like to be forgiven for past transgressions in the movie reviewing aspect of my life. From this point on, I'll give you honest reviews that can give my personal opinion, but also an unbiased flattened version (like if I were to flatten the stats of a pitcher from the dead ball era of baseball, and then compare that pitcher to one from the current generation.) I feel like Tiger Woods apologizing for cheating on his wife (only my apology is more genuine.)

I always knew that "The Scorpion King" was awful, and I never meant for this to turn into what it has become!


Rae said...

Jurrasic Park 3 was before Revolutionary Road. I DARE you to show that movie to anyone at any point in time and NOT have them attempt to sell their soul to the devil himself to unsee it.

Tony B. said...

Yeah, my friend said he said Revolutionary Road in a theater, and a guy threw up in the aisle. Apparently it is pretty intense? I've never seen it.

GMoney said...

Listen up, peckers, the worst movie ever is Waterworld. Which, up until a few years ago, I always defended as not being that bad. I was in denial.

If you want to see a solid movie, Zombieland was the shit and I say this as someone who normally hates horror-esque movies.

Tony B. said...

I couldn't make it through Waterworld- though I'm pretty sure Kevin Costner drinks his own pee in that making it a horrible movie.

Haven't seen Zombieland, but I would like to sometime soon. Woody Harrelson is usually solid in most movies.