Thursday, April 29, 2010

Thank You Cards

I must admit, the thought of Jimmy Fallon hosting a late night TV show seemed to be about as good of an idea as hanging for three hours in a room with children that are contagious with the swine flu. However, I will say that I've watched the show, and to be honest, it is a lot better than I expected. One skit they do is where Jimmy writes out thank you notes to random people, groups, celebrities, etc. Today, adding to my own series of thank you notes:

Dear Fantasy Baseball,

Thank you for putting me in check so quickly. I might have written a similar note to you in the past, but after scoring the most points in the league last week to move to a 2-1 record, my excitement was immediately squashed when all of my active players (save Matt Holliday who went 0-3 with a Run) scored negative points on Tuesday. I have never seen such an impressive display of inept hitting and pitching (yeah, I'm looking at you, Ben Sheets). You have taught me not to get excited about anything, ever. That excitement might have jinxed the team for the week.

Tony B.


Dear Jeff Ireland,

Thank you for asking the tough questions during pre-draft interviews. I know that your make or break decision of whether or not to draft Dez Bryant hinged on the possibility that his mother is a prostitute. For a team that just rewarded Brandon Marshall's antics and still employs Ricky Williams, it's good to see that you are only signing moral pillars of the community. Great job bud!

Best of luck,
Tony B.


Dear Scrabble,

Thank you for recently changing the rules to include proper nouns as legal words to use in the game. This will give less intelligent people a better chance of winning and will provide more fights about whether or not a particular word is legal. Note to possible future competitors: if you can play the name of the erupting Icelandic volcano (Eyjafjallajökull) then I will concede the match to you immediately.

Tony B.


Dear California,

Thank you for lacking the motivation and drive to send back the Census. I mean, it's not like it matters if we lose Congressional seats because people are too lazy to send back the easiest 10 question test one could possibly take. They even made a pseudo-rap song to encourage you to "mail it back!" Lest you forget, here it is:

Ok, so it's a horrible song that probably did cause people to not mail it back out of spite, but seriously, let's not lose any Congressional seats or possible tax dollars over laziness. That's just stupid!

Tony B.


Dear Terry Crews,

Thank you for always making random appearances in movies or Old Spice commercials that involves you either yelling, dancing, singing, flexing, or intensely talking. While your persuasive yelling hasn't gotten me to buy Old Spice body wash, it is pretty impressive that you can gyrate your pecs just like Super Macho Man from Mike Tyson's Punch Out!

Over and out,
Tony B.



Thank you for helping me lose all faith in humanity. Not only is the graphic ridiculous, the Confederate flag outdated, and the license plate apparently has racist code in it- you also parked in a handicapped spot! Ridiculous!

Tony B.

That's all for today. Have an above average Thursday!


GMoney said...

To be fair, what exactly is that guy going to do with knowledge about the Muslim faith? It's better for him just to make shit up then actually read about it, form his own incorrect opinions, and spout off about it to everyone. At least he advertises that he is a moron and should not be taken seriously.

Dear Peavy and Billingsley, WAKE THE FUCK UP!!! Are you not inspired by Ubaldo?

Tony B. said...

It's funny that you mention Peavy and Billingsley. I was thinking of offering Peavy for Billingsly and then I realized that they are both pitching like shit and it really wouldn't matter. I'm so pissed at my team right now, but they've destroyed all their trade value so I can't do anything about it.

I'm running into Ubaldo next week during a two start week. Not fun.

Rae said...

re: Scrabble

1. yes, I read "Geeks Are Sexy"
2. The rules are jsut for the new, CRAZY edition, not for traditional Scrabble.

Tony B. said...

Thank you for clarifying the Scrabble situation. For the record though, once those rules go into circulation, they'll spread- just like chlamydia.