Thursday, April 1, 2010

Thank You Cards























I must admit, the thought of Jimmy Fallon hosting a late night TV show seemed to be about as good of an idea as hanging for three hours in a room with children that are contagious with the swine flu. However, I will say that I've watched the show, and to be honest, it is a lot better than I expected. One skit they do is where Jimmy writes out thank you notes to random people, groups, celebrities, etc. Today, adding to my own series of thank you notes:

Dear Tiger Woods,

Thank you for your sexual escapades that have a legend that grows faster than William Wallace's legend in Scotland during the late 1200's. Not only are your stories getting more ridiculous, you've also managed to give married celebrities the ultimate trump card- rehab! Rather than taking responsibility for your actions, one is now allowed to say they have an addiction and go to rehab! Brilliant! The irony is that rehab is supposed to teach you to take responsibility for your actions, so I guess you eventually get there.

Sincerest wishes,
Tony B.

PS: No one with an addiction could win that many major golf championships. Well, unless that addiction is golf.

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Dear Lower Back,

Thank you for making me feel old each and every day. I'm not sure if the pain is from hunching while playing guitar, my recent foray back into men's league basketball, or a lack of core work at the gym (hell, probably all of the above) but every morning I'm reminded again and again that I'm no spring chicken anymore.

Let's go see a chiropractor,
Tony B.

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Dear Gordon Hayward,

Thank you for finishing the most awkward alley-oop in the history of basketball. In true white guy fashion, you laid the ball in and finished off the game against Kansas St. Between you, Toby Gerhart, and the Duke Bluedevils, you are giving white athletes hope all around the world that they too can compete on the top level. Good for you fella!

Best regards,
Tony B.

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Dear Nature Valley Oats 'N' Honey Crunchy Granola Bars,

Thank you for being the greatest snack during the day. You're almost certainly not as healthy as I think you are, but there are two of you in a package so that gives me double the amount of enjoyment. Work may be tiresome at times, but when the time comes that I can snack on two granola bars- well- that's just about the best point of the work day.

Your friend,
Tony B.

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Dear Giant Isopod,

Thank you for haunting my dreams forever. You look like you will one day evolve into either the creature from Alien, or the creature from Cloverfield. Either way, it's not going to be good.

Terrified,
Tony B.

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Dear April Fool's Day,

Thank you for making me feel less creative and more lazy each year, while also ruining websites for a day that feel like they need to fool their readers. Not to mention, if I actually go through the effort to pull a gag on someone, I'll probably end up feeling like a jerk.

It's your day,
Tony B.

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Dear SF Parking,

Thank you for giving me huge incentive to not go to San Francisco more often. I mean, after driving over an hour to get to the City, it's totally great to either spend another 45 minutes looking, or pay upwards of $40 for a spot.

All the best,
Tony B.

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Dear Jesse James,

[See Tiger Woods' note above.] Oh, and thank you for making a complete ass out of Sandra Bullock at the Oscars. It's not like she waited her entire life for that moment, and you shattered the whole thing a few short days after.

Faithfully,
Tony B.

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There you go. Tons of thanks going out to all who deserve it. Enjoy the day and come out to Live Band Karaoke tonight at the G St Pub in Davis... if you dare!

5 comments:

GMoney said...

I don't care for Nature Valley. It's toooooo crunchy for my liking. But a Nutri-Grain bar, that's where it's at.

I'm a stomach-sleeper and I'm told that sleeping like that is fucking torture for your back. I have yet to have issues with my rippling back, but it's something to think about.

Tony B. said...

That might be it. I'm also a stomach or side sleeper. I just can't fall asleep on my back- it's impossible!

GMoney said...

I agree...and if by some chance I do sleep on my back, I snore like a wild boar and the missus gets pissed.

Tony B. said...

The snoring factor definitely does not help improve my opinion of back sleepers.

Mrs. B. just told me the other night how thankful she is that I don't snore.

Pooker said...

This is a good post. At least one of us is consistently writing "thank you" cards.

Today some lady told me all the pranks she pulled yesterday. I left the conversation thinking "what an asshole!" So your observation is correct.