Thursday, April 15, 2010

Thank You Cards

I must admit, the thought of Jimmy Fallon hosting a late night TV show seemed to be about as good of an idea as hanging for three hours in a room with children that are contagious with the swine flu. However, I will say that I've watched the show, and to be honest, it is a lot better than I expected. One skit they do is where Jimmy writes out thank you notes to random people, groups, celebrities, etc. Today, adding to my own series of thank you notes:

Dear Escape Club,

Thank you for gracing the world with you hit "Wild Wild West." After randomly hearing it on the radio I was reminded of three things. 1) It's a damn hard song to get out of your head. 2) Your entire band wore neckerchiefs in the video. 3) You also had freakish pairs of arms and legs (but nothing else) playing tambourines and snapping their figures. Here's a lyric that will make sense in another 75 years- "Heading for the 90s, living in the wild, wild west!"

Great stuff,
Tony B.


Dear Chicago Cubs,

Thank you for coming back and beating the Brewers yesterday. I figured you might be the kind of team that just lays down when behind by 3 runs, but you proved that you have some fight in ya. Now slow down! You wouldn't want expectations to get too high!

Curbing enthusiasm,
Tony B.


Dear Ben Roethlisberger,

Thank you for once again getting involved in a sex scandal. I used to fully enjoy people telling me I look like you (back in 2005-2006 when we both had longer hair and goatees), but now that most people assume you're a rapist (or at the very least a sexual deviant) that comparison is no longer fun. Keep in mind that you're only allowed to have as many sex scandals as Super Bowl rings so you're even at 2-2. You better win another championship before cornering another woman in a small bathroom. Here's to keeping your nose (amongst other body parts) clean.

Tony B.


Dear Milton Bradley,

I've written to you before, but this will be the last time (could be a lie.) Thank you so much for flipping off the fans in Texas. It easily validates the Cubs' trade of you to the Mariners for 800 lb. Carlos Silva. It probably also validates the fact that Jim Hendry should be fired as Cubs GM for even considering signing you.

Good riddance,
Tony B.


Dear King,

Thank you for your crazy ass Burger King commercials. You once woke up next to a guy in bed and offered him breakfast. Now you're barging through an office wreaking havoc only to deliver a burger to a conservatively dressed office woman. I haven't eaten at a Burger King since 2004, but I still enjoy your extremely creepy commercials. Didn't you also have a cheap XBox game where you just crept around the neighborhood looking in windows? The next step for you is to buy a white van with no windows and register with the Meghan's Law folks.

Stay away from my hypothetical kids,
Tony B.


Dear Chicago Bulls,

Hey buddies! Thanks for getting into the playoffs! Unfortunately, you're about to get dumped easily by the Cavs and end up with a worse draft pick than you could've had otherwise. I literally have no clue what your business plan is going forward (I can't tell if you were trying to dump payroll for the offseason or go for a playoff spot, and now you've seemed to split the difference and not go either way.) More to the point, thank you for the 6 championships during the 90s- it makes anything you do right now much less depressing.

Best regards,
Tony B.


Phew. Got through those for the day. It's always polite to send out thank you notes when you can. Catch ya later.


Rae said...

T-Bag you were CRACKIN ME UP today re: "you're only allowed to have as many sex scandals as Super Bowl rings so you're even at 2-2" and "but I still enjoy your extremely creepy commercials."

good job, son.

GMoney said...

She's on me, but I don't care! I love her eyes and her wild, wild hair!--great song!!!

The Bulls will be destroyed and then Vinny can finally get shitcanned and go back to his life as a professional Scott Baio lookalike.

Tony B. said...

Thanks Rae!

Vinny's done. He's clearly a horrible coach and I'll be glad to get rid of him. Which one of John Paxon's friends will get hired next?

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