Thursday, April 22, 2010
Thank You Cards
I must admit, the thought of Jimmy Fallon hosting a late night TV show seemed to be about as good of an idea as hanging for three hours in a room with children that are contagious with the swine flu. However, I will say that I've watched the show, and to be honest, it is a lot better than I expected. One skit they do is where Jimmy writes out thank you notes to random people, groups, celebrities, etc. Today, adding to my own series of thank you notes:
Dear Cat Hair,
Thank you for sticking to every single piece of clothing I own. Any article of clothing could be washed, dried, dry cleaned, pressed, and immediately sealed in plastic and it wouldn't make a different. You will find a way to cling to whatever I wear. Your resiliency is matched by only the most competitive high class athletes... and Ben Roethlisberger when he's looking to have sexual relations (consensual or otherwise.)
Dear Lou Pinella and Jim Hendry,
I'm not sure who to thank on this brilliant move, but thank you for helping the Cubs reach another low point in their history. Never in my lifetime did I think I'd see the Cubs pay their Opening Day starter almost $18 million a year only to have him go to middle relief just three weeks into the season, and for that- I thank you. The crazy thing is that this might actually work, and which case I thank you for the even crazier moves that will succeed this one. Alfonso Soriano at catcher? Why not? Derrek Lee being better suited as the bat boy than in the field? Sure. This seems like this season is going well already.
Dear Yahoo.com's Main Page,
Thank you for putting 90% fluff pieces as your main news "headlines." You've helped me store imagines in my brain of a cat that only uses two legs, the Redskins cheerleader that got the flu and can no longer walk or speak properly, and the [spoiler alert for today] 94 year old woman who has less than a year to live but wanted one last waltz. This news is way better than so called "real" news, obviously, since I keep going back there.
Dear Pants Stores,
Thank you for never carrying my size. I understand how 38/34 is probably an uncommon size, and at least you've made me settle for shopping on the internet rather than wasting my time in a mall. Sometimes, I do wonder who the people are that wear 42/28 and why that size would be so much more common than my size. I suppose it just means there are a lot of fat mofos running around. In either case, your physical stores are dead to me.
So it goes,
Dear Apples to Apples,
Thank you for providing blank cards where the owner of your game can add in their own red and green cards. The game is definitely spiced up by adding "Jenna Jameson," "Optimus Prime," "Michael Vick," "My Penis," "Hall & Oates" and "Jenny McCarthy's right boob" as red cards and "Stuff White People Like," "Porn-tastic," and "Boner-rrific" to the green card pile. Even better, you can bring that game box to work and play with co-workers. It's like Russian Roulette with cards!
Dear Nada Surf,
Thank you for writing the song "Popular." I'm not sure if I'm supposed to love the song or hate it, but after hearing it recently I can definitely say it's still pretty original. I'm not sure whatever happened to your band, but I'm thinking a little State Fair action would be pretty awesome this coming August.
If you can get Wheatus to open for you- even better.
Let's do this,