Thursday, June 10, 2010
Thank You Notes
I must admit, the thought of Jimmy Fallon hosting a late night TV show seemed to be about as good of an idea as hanging for three hours in a room with children that are contagious with the swine flu. However, I will say that I've watched the show, and to be honest, it is a lot better than I expected. One skit they do is where Jimmy writes out thank you notes to random people, groups, celebrities, etc. Today, adding to my own series of thank you notes:
Dear Drivers From Sacramento,
On my normal morning commute from Sacramento to Davis, I have to pass over an area of freeway called the "Causeway." It is virtually a straight line with no exits. Thank you drivers for making me realize that it is not actually all that easy to drive in a straight line without slowdowns or accidents. Every damn day there is something going down on this stretch of freeway that boggles the mind and boils the blood. I'm just glad you helped me lower my expectation for drivers and humankind in general.
Dear National Geographic,
Thank you for your show "Unlikely Animal Friends." The video about the Crow and the Cat is particularly heart warming.
I have two suggestions though. 1) You dropped the death of the wife quite suddenly on people in this video. Somehow you have to prepare the viewer for tragic news within such a happy clip. 2) Release this on DVD!
Thank you for providing me with unrealistic expectations. I'm selling some under-used music gear and the first day I posted something, I sold it with relatively no hassle. Since then, I've been dodging spam-artists, con-artists, and people who just want to call and talk to me without having any interest in what I'm selling. I'd love it if there was a way to streamline this process of wading through scammers just to sell my stuff, but alas, there is not. I guess I'll have to send a thank you to the Internet in general.
Enlarge your penis!
Dear Stephen Staurburg,
Thank you for your debut pitching performance. Striking out 14 people in 7 innings of work is damn impressive, even if it was against the Pirates. Matt Cain pitched a complete game shutout against the Reds on the same night and got virtually no ink compared to your stellar debut. A word to the wise, don't go the way of Mark Prior, Kerry Wood, and Rich Harden... stay healthy, stay dominant. It's pretty damn fun to watch.
Best of luck,
Dear Lakers and Celtics,
Thank you for being so annoying. Seriously. I can't tell you which fanbase is worse, but I can tell you that each game there is only one outcome I can cheer for during each game- arena implosion.
Dear British Petroleum,
Thank you for sponsoring the brand new "Crosstown Cup" that will go to the winner of the Cubs/White Sox interleague series each year. I'm not sure exactly why they needed a stupid trophy for the 6 games that these teams play each year (especially when it could end in a tie half the time.) So BP, let's get things straight, you are sponsoring a stupid trophy that will be laughable for every other team in the league besides the Cubs and Sox, AND you're responsible for the oil spill that is killing an ecosystem as we speak? Damn BP, get your shit together.
Dear Chicago Blackhawks,
Thank you for bringing the Stanley Cup to Chicago!!! What a great overtime win, and even though the douchy Philly fans booed you after the game (you got beat assholes- deal with it), you guys worked hard and were a fun team to watch during the playoffs. This is the 8th Chicago championship of my lifetime (I'm obviously not counting the White Sox because I hate them.) The only team left to win is the Cubs. Congrats fellas- you've earned the Cup!