Thursday, June 10, 2010

Thank You Notes























I must admit, the thought of Jimmy Fallon hosting a late night TV show seemed to be about as good of an idea as hanging for three hours in a room with children that are contagious with the swine flu. However, I will say that I've watched the show, and to be honest, it is a lot better than I expected. One skit they do is where Jimmy writes out thank you notes to random people, groups, celebrities, etc. Today, adding to my own series of thank you notes:

Dear Drivers From Sacramento,

On my normal morning commute from Sacramento to Davis, I have to pass over an area of freeway called the "Causeway." It is virtually a straight line with no exits. Thank you drivers for making me realize that it is not actually all that easy to drive in a straight line without slowdowns or accidents. Every damn day there is something going down on this stretch of freeway that boggles the mind and boils the blood. I'm just glad you helped me lower my expectation for drivers and humankind in general.

Sedated,
Tony B.

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Dear National Geographic,

Thank you for your show "Unlikely Animal Friends." The video about the Crow and the Cat is particularly heart warming.



I have two suggestions though. 1) You dropped the death of the wife quite suddenly on people in this video. Somehow you have to prepare the viewer for tragic news within such a happy clip. 2) Release this on DVD!

Entertained,
Tony B.

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Dear Craigslist,

Thank you for providing me with unrealistic expectations. I'm selling some under-used music gear and the first day I posted something, I sold it with relatively no hassle. Since then, I've been dodging spam-artists, con-artists, and people who just want to call and talk to me without having any interest in what I'm selling. I'd love it if there was a way to streamline this process of wading through scammers just to sell my stuff, but alas, there is not. I guess I'll have to send a thank you to the Internet in general.

Enlarge your penis!
Tony B.

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Dear Stephen Staurburg,

Thank you for your debut pitching performance. Striking out 14 people in 7 innings of work is damn impressive, even if it was against the Pirates. Matt Cain pitched a complete game shutout against the Reds on the same night and got virtually no ink compared to your stellar debut. A word to the wise, don't go the way of Mark Prior, Kerry Wood, and Rich Harden... stay healthy, stay dominant. It's pretty damn fun to watch.

Best of luck,
Tony B.

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Dear Lakers and Celtics,

Thank you for being so annoying. Seriously. I can't tell you which fanbase is worse, but I can tell you that each game there is only one outcome I can cheer for during each game- arena implosion.

Regards,
Tony B.

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Dear British Petroleum,

Thank you for sponsoring the brand new "Crosstown Cup" that will go to the winner of the Cubs/White Sox interleague series each year. I'm not sure exactly why they needed a stupid trophy for the 6 games that these teams play each year (especially when it could end in a tie half the time.) So BP, let's get things straight, you are sponsoring a stupid trophy that will be laughable for every other team in the league besides the Cubs and Sox, AND you're responsible for the oil spill that is killing an ecosystem as we speak? Damn BP, get your shit together.

Oiled up,
Tony B.

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Dear Chicago Blackhawks,

Thank you for bringing the Stanley Cup to Chicago!!! What a great overtime win, and even though the douchy Philly fans booed you after the game (you got beat assholes- deal with it), you guys worked hard and were a fun team to watch during the playoffs. This is the 8th Chicago championship of my lifetime (I'm obviously not counting the White Sox because I hate them.) The only team left to win is the Cubs. Congrats fellas- you've earned the Cup!

Your fan,
Tony B.

5 comments:

GMoney said...

In Ohio, the Indians and Reds play for the Ohio Lottery Cup. It is retarded.

That was a very fun Blackhawks team to pull for. You can bitch about the booing as much as you want (it IS Philly after all), but I will never tire of Gary Bettman getting booed mercilessly when he hands out the Stanley Cup. It happens every year and is always hilarious to me.

Rae said...

The guy BP hired to do their PR is Cheney's PR guy. Keep that in mind when you rationalize why they thought this silly cross-town cup was a good idea.

Told you Craigslist is UGH at best. I have yet to have a positive selling experience, though I once had a positive buying experience!

Tony B. said...

The Ohio Lottery Cup sounds like a worse idea than the "Jump to Conclusions" mat.

I was more pointing out how awesome it was to beat Philly fans and have them be bitter about it. Gary Bettman is a douche.

BP got the sponsorship of the Crosstown Cup before the oil spill, and now the Cubs and White Sox are trying to downplay the sponsorship as much as possible (without giving the money back, of course.)

I still have some hope to sell my extra gear on Craigslist... but I have a feeling my gear my go the same route as your boots.

Clarkster said...

Strasburg was pretty impressive the other night, the real question is did you start him in your fantasy league.

Tony B. said...

He was drafted by someone else, and they stashed him until now. That guy did start Stausburg and got a clean 34 point start out of it. So impressive. Not against me, luckily.