Thursday, June 17, 2010
Thank You Notes
I must admit, the thought of Jimmy Fallon hosting a late night TV show seemed to be about as good of an idea as hanging for three hours in a room with children that are contagious with the swine flu. However, I will say that I've watched the show, and to be honest, it is a lot better than I expected. One skit they do is where Jimmy writes out thank you notes to random people, groups, celebrities, etc. Today, adding to my own series of thank you notes:
Dear World Cup Fans,
Thank you doing "the wave" at some of the games during this global event. Out of all the great things the US has to offer, you all emulate the lamest tradition we have. Side note: can we please never do the wave in this country again?
Dear Americans complaining about vuvuzelas,
Thank you for being hypocritical as many of you have owned, used, and enjoyed thunder sticks. Hell, we have fans in our country that induce themselves to vomit on 11 year old girls (I'm looking at you Philly fans) so let's get off our high horse and correct some of the stupid stuff we do during our own sporting events.
The More You Know,
Dear Derrek Lee,
Thank you for alleviating any ideas I might have had about the Cubs re-signing you next year. You're hitting .230 and made two errors in one inning on Tuesday night versus the A's. If you can't hit, and you can't play defense, what are you doing not retired?
Same goes for Aramis Ramirez,
Dear Stent Installed Inside Me,
Thank you for helping me heal from my surgery. You've helped my ureter not build up scar tissue by simply laying inside me between my kidney and bladder. Once you're removed I'm temped to turn you into a charm bracelet. I could wear it like a LiveStrong band and then have quite a story when people ask, "What charity is that one for?"
Excited to have you removed today,
Dear Halls Medicated Cough Drops,
Thank you for existing. I don't know what I'd do without you right now. I imagine it would start a downward spiral of drugs and alcohol looking for something to make my throat feel better. Luckily, you do exist, so I don't have to turn to the hard stuff.
Dear Vince Young,
Thank you for beating someone up after they flashed the upside-down hook 'em horns your way at a strip club. They have video evidence of you going crazy and no one expects you to get a suspension. What has this world come to? First, VY stop being crazy. Second, if Roger Goodell doesn't suspend you, it opens the door for other crazy-ass NFL players to run rough-shot across the country.
You so crazy,