I was at the DMV for a little over two hours yesterday. Those two hours felt like an eternity. It honestly felt like I could have watched the entire Lord of the Ring trilogy while being surrounded by an array of characters that you would only see on "Cops." A couple highlights:
- The old guy that could barely walk, but was there to renew his license. That's safe.
- The overweight 35 year old white woman who does not have a license, but was there with who I can only imagine was her skinny, white trash boyfriend, her two half Mexican children, and an older gentleman that may or may not have been related to the rest of the bunch. I think the boyfriend had to register a number of used Ford molester fans. She was standing for awhile, then started complaining to her 8 year old about how her ankles were swelling up. Then she started an immature game of "if you pinch me, I'll pinch you back" with one of her sons. They have no hope. Awesome.
- A more white trash version of Sam Merlotte from "True Blood:"
There were other fine characters there in order to bother me. I had to go deep into my head to amuse myself and try to forget about my surroundings. Here are some ideas of how to waste time at the DMV:
1) People watch. This doesn't help you forget your surroundings, but it will help you write the first half of your blog.
2) Bring a vuvuzela and blow it the entire time you are there. If the South Africans can ruin the World Cup by blowing these plastic horns, why can't I bring the tradition to the DMV?
3) Pretend that it is not the DMV, but rather a DMB concert. I know they are past their prime and their original saxophone player is dead, but a boring 12 minute jam in the middle of "Jimi Thing" would be MUCH better than renewing my license at the DMV.
4) Play Craps on my iPhone. It's not for real money, but the app is pretty true to the real game- as in it will take all my fake money and help me forget my current DMV predicament.
5) Write a novel based on someone who went to the DMV to renew their license, then went on a violent rampage similar to Michael Douglas in the movie "Falling Down."
Yes, it was an awful time, but I survived and I hope to wait another 10 years before I have to visit the DMV again. By the way, the Cubs/A's game last night was literally the worst baseball game I've ever watched. Derrek Lee- you're really going to make two errors in the same inning? Yikes, you former Gold Glover. I've said the Cubs should trade you, but who the hell wants a .227 hitter that is losing his once great defensive skills? Answer: the same number of people who would want to spend their day at the DMV.