Thursday, July 8, 2010
Thank You Notes
I borrowed this idea from the Jimmy Fallon show... wanna fight about it?
Dear SF Giants Ball Dudes,
Thank you for providing such entertainment during Giants' games. I'm 100% certain it's not safe for old men in their 70s to be shagging sharply hit foul grounders at Major League Baseball games, but it's at least worth a laugh here and there. Much like my belief that someone would eventually get hurt by the way baseball teams celebrate walk-off home runs (Kendry Morales), I believe that a ball dude has it coming. If not on the next home stand, sometime soon.
Dear Doug Melvin,
Thank you for your optimism. When asked if the Brewers will become sellers, you said something like this, "I'm really not sure. I like the way our team is built. I think we can still be good." Ya know, I feel the exact same way about my fantasy baseball team- I'm having a hard time accepting the reality that my team is done for the year. The difference is that you are a GM for a real team and I'm playing fantasy baseball.
Thank you for being psychic. Your prediction of Carlos Boozer and his back-ne coming to the Bulls was right on. I can only hope that LeBron picks the Bulls for me to have any kind of a comeback, but it looks like he's going to the Heat where both of our teams will be screwed (or at least not championship contenders.) Just don't become a topless psychic at the flea market like that chick in Mall-Rats.
West is best,
Thank you for going off the air. I mean, now that you're gone, I've resorted to watching such quality programs as "The Bachellorette" and "True Beauty." I do so with such bored indifference that I'm beginning to scare myself. I don't know what will replace you, but if Dexter could come back sooner rather than later- that might actually save me from this muck of reality television.
Dear Prince (my keyboard can't make your dumb symbol),
Thank you for your recent announcement that "the internet is over." Your refusal to put your music on iTunes or any other online store is so damn progressive I can't even stand it. Why would you want to make any money at all off of people who are honest enough to buy music over the internet? You're practically forcing your fans to find your music elsewhere and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but they ain't going to be payin' for it. I guess the best part is that I can say, "Hey, my new album is on iTunes- you can't even find Prince's new stuff there!" Being better than Prince is not as cool as it sounds.
Dear MLB Players,
Thank you for being so concerned with your swings that it's actually hard to find players to participate in the Home Run Derby. Did Ernie Banks (and many others) have a hard time when he went on to the old Home Run Derby show? Nope. And why? Because he was a great hitter. If it gets in your head and you lose your swing for the rest of the year, you're just not that good. PS: NBA players- you guys need to grow up as well and participate in the slam dunk contest. If Nate Robinson wins again, you all should kill yourselves.