I borrowed this idea from the Jimmy Fallon show... wanna fight about it?
Dear Aramis Ramirez,
Thank you for waiting until the Cubs' season was completely lost before going on a HR tear reminiscent of Sammy Sosa on steroids. I mean, it's not like the Cubs needed hits and runs earlier in the season. Being a consistent 10 games under .500 is exactly where where we want to be- time to make our move.
Dear Lou Pinella,
Thank you for retiring before the Cubs re-sign you, wear your soul out even further, then inevitably kill you. The "Curse of Lou Pinella" will hopefully be avoided by your spirit not being crushed under the weight of Wrigley Field expectations. If I am ever able, I'll buy you an Old Style.
Dear Ryne Sandberg,
Thank you for immediately hitting all media outlets to campaign for the managerial job opening that the Cubs are about to have. I mean, why allow the Cubs to even make a decision? Force them to hire you! In all seriousness, I have no idea if Ryno will be a good manager, but having my favorite player of all time being the manager can't be all that bad.
Dear Lindsay Lohan,
Thank you for going to prison. The roads of Southern California a little safer for the next 13-29 days. I do realize that Red Bull has already lost 20% of it's usual profits, but I'm sure you'll help them regain any losses when you get out.
Dear Bacon Club Chalupa Commercial,
Thank you for giving the impression that attractive women are not good enough to get guys at a bar- they, in fact, need to throw odd taco concoctions that include bacon into their purse. Makes total sense to me and every other guy who enjoys diarrhea.
Dear Step Up Movie Series,
Thank you for making it to your third installment. I can't tell you any one person who has seen "Step Up" or "Step Up 2: The Streets." This includes Mrs. B. who loves watching people dance, but has the good enough sense to stay away from these flaming brown bag piece of crap movies. How on Earth you got a third movie (in 3D!) I'll never know.