Jimmy Fallon's idea made worse on this blog- wanna fight about it?
Dear LeBron James,
Thank you for tweeting about "karma." The world needs an expert on the subject who feels comfortable ironically bashing the very people that you actually wronged with lectures on "karma" and "God seeing everything." It's not like you're at risk for something "going around, then coming around."
And by the way, if you want to be a villain, then stop backing off all the dumb stuff you say. Own it! Did the Emperor from Star Wars ever back off his public goals of dominating the galaxy? No. Did Skeletor ever threaten He-Man, then back off without being beaten like a red-headed step child back to Snake Mountain? No. Did Cyrus the Virus ever back off his plan to steal a plane and escape confinement? No- Cameron Poe had to kill him in order for him to stop his treachery. LBJ, you are an awful villain. Your jumper is fine, spend more time learning how to be a solid and effective villain- it will be more interesting for everyone.
Karma IS coming,
Dear Ted Williams,
Thank you for taking only a week to show the world that you are actually a piece of crap that doesn't deserve the celebrity and charity that you've received. While I think it's a fantastic idea for you to go on Dr. Phil (Mrs. B. watches regularly), it really shows that you've been a con man for the last many years, and this is your biggest con yet. Getting arrested for being in a physical fight with your daughter probably doesn't help your cause at this point. It was awesome of the Cleveland Cavs to hire you on the spot of a radio show- just one more mistake to add to their resume. Don't employers do background checks?
Best of luck,
Dear Sacramento Kings,
Thank you for your time here in Sacramento. I understand that you are looking to move to Anaheim. I mean, why wouldn't the LA area want three basketball teams and zero NFL teams? That seems to be about right.
I guess if the City of Sacramento can't get their act together to vote a new arena through, they don't deserve a team- but if your team was better there would be a better argument for the public to keep you here.
Here We Rise,
Dear Grunting Guy At The Gym,
Thank you for making sure everyone else in the gym knows how hard you are working. The rest of us were concerned about you not getting a good enough work out in, but now we can be sure that you are maximizing your effort. What a relief! I can now go on with the rest of my day!
Dear Driver Who Must Drive Up My Back-side To Change Lanes On My Left,
Thank you for doing your best Cole Trickle impersonation. Drafting should be a more common practice on our nation's highways, so I can't fault you for that! I do hope you Shake & Bake right into a center divide and die in a horrific grease-fire- just don't do that while I, or anyone else is on the freeway. That might be a tough request, but I'm sure you'll find a way to get it done.