Wednesday, February 2, 2011

The Complaint Section

This is going to quickly turn into "You Know What Really Grinds My Gears" by Peter Griffin, but today I'd like to talk about people that I've come across that truly bother me.  This will be an easy post to write because I feel like I run into people on a daily basis whose actions burrow into my consciousness like an over-active earwig.  I'd like to encourage everyone to write about bothersome characters in your own lives in the comments.  As Carl Weathers would say, "Here we go!"

Fat White Trash Guy At The Gym - The gym is definitely a place for me to get angry about other people and their actions.  If you recall, just last week I mentioned a kid wearing skinny jeans and a black t-shirt with an airbrushed picture of Jacob from Twilight working out.  Or how about the Steroid Guy that I've mentioned in the past.  Remember him?

Well, this new guy was a highly obese dude who grunted rather than actually speaking.  I was at a urinal peeing and I hear this guy from behind me grunting to someone as he walked into the bathroom, "Yeeeeeah, you gah dah do what you gah da doooo (long sigh.)"  It was like he was out of breath from talking and walking.  I'm trying to keep to myself but this guy is essentially making a scene of him going #1.  He takes a deep breath, an even longer grunting exhale and uses his forearm to brace himself against the bathroom wall.  As he starts peeing, he lets out an over-exaggerated, "Aaaaaaaaah, dat feels nice... Oooooh yeah, dat's it... time to work off dat hamburger..."  I broke out of their as fast as possible.  I didn't want him to capture me and put me in a skimpy bikini and chain me to his bedpost:


Homeless Guy Who Lectures People After Getting Denied Change - If you've seen the South Park episode "Night Of The Living Homeless," you know that hobos can be like zombies looking for change to feed their various addictions.  Now, I know this is going to seem heartless on some level, but to read the rest we'll have to assume that I'm talking about the type of homeless person that isn't actually trying to better themselves, but is using people's change/charity to continue to be a drunk homeless person.  I'm sure there are exceptions to this scenario, but in my own experience I'm more likely to donate directly to a shelter or even a group that is trying to create better conditions in Africa than I am to giving a homeless person money directly. 

So I'm walking out of Safeway with Mrs. B. and a load of groceries, and I see a guy in my peripheral that is definitely going to ask us for money.  Not food.  Not something that will actually help him.  He wants money.  He wanders closer to my car and asks, "Can I have some money to help get me something to eat?"  Like I said, I physically have food in my possession and am loading it in my car, but he's looking for money, which again bothers me.  I say, "No," and he begins to get offended.

"A bunch of saints around here tonight," he replies with a venomous tone.

I'm not sure what to expect of a homeless guy, but if I applied for a job and the company said, "Sorry, you didn't get it."  Then I did an about-face and said something like, "Fine- I didn't want to work for your stupid company anyway."  I can't imagine they would regret not hiring me.  It's the same thing here.  I don't regret not giving this guy change because he was rude after the fact. 

I'm not sure why he felt like there would be saints running around the parking lot of of a Safeway in downtown Sacramento, but it goes to show me that he hangs out there expecting charity.  It's really hard for me to get into that.  Once again, I know some folks are put at a disadvantage early on in life and might have fallen on hard times, but it's hard for me to be an enabler to all hobos and continually give out change everyday (which I'm asked for change damn near everyday living in Sacramento.)  Enough of this rant- it makes me look heartless, which I don't think I am- maybe I'll sometime soon I'll write about the bum that my Mom gave change to 15 years ago that set me down this "heartless" (rational?) path...

Restaurant Servers That Use Nicknames For Their Customers - I know you think you sound cool and that customers just eat it up positively, but if you call me "Boss" during my meal, it will not please me and you will get tipped less.  There is one acceptable nickname and that is "Sir."  To be honest, I don't even like that.  Your job is to be helpful, accurate, and refill my table's drinks as fast as possible.  If the food is delayed (probably not your fault), communicate that sincerely and effectively and you have just won yourself a 20-25% tip!  Yay for you!

On the other hand, if you called my "Boss" (especially multiple times- overuse is the worst) during the meal, your tip has now been decreased.  I'm not sure there is a scenario where I wouldn't leave any tip, but I'll go down to 10% if you keep up those shenanigans.  My police officer friend says "Boss" is originally a prison term (maybe Clarkster can also shed light on that) so I really don't need some naive server thinking that is a cool thing to say.  Just don't do it.  "Chief" is not OK either.  As Dane Cook would say, "I'm not a Chief.  I'm not an Indian Chief.  I'm not a Kansas City Chief.  I'm not a Chef which can sometimes be confused with Chief on paper."   Nicknames are not appreciated because we're not friends- it comes off as patronizing "my good man."


Ok.  Phew.  That was a load off my mind.  It might have been overly negative, but now I feel much better.  If you have your own examples or have comments on my complaints, leave them in the comments section.  Other than that, may your day be filled with enjoyable folks that don't make you angry or annoyed.


Mrs. B said...

1) Freakin' hobos and transients!! ARG! The worst is the hobo standing outside the dollar store... asking for a dollar. Hey - shoeless Joe - it's the dollar store! Where $1 is worth it's weight in gold. I'm not giving it to you!

Other things that get my goat:
People who lick their fingers to rifle through paperwork. Sick. and thanks for the saliva fingerprints.

Strangers in the elevator who are so uncomfortable in silence that they suddenly get diarrhea of the mouth and tell you their whole life story in 45 seconds. Not cool at 8am.

GMoney said...

Well, the midwest is about to be rid of quite a few hobos this week with the weather playing the role of serial killer.

I had a black guy tell me once that "boss" was what slaves called the slavemaster back in colonial times. NEVER call anyone Boss. Bruce Springsteen supports slavery.

I've had a waiter call me "Ace" before. I was not happy. My wife also ordered for me once. I still bring this up today because it infuriates me.

Tony B. said...

Ha! I'm not sure how judgmental we can be when shopping at the Dollar Store.

"Ace" must have been extra offensive to you G$ because of your Money Shot counterpart.

It also makes me wonder about how people used to says stuff like, "That is totally boss!" Were they referring to slave masters? That ain't cool!

Clarkster said...

Boss is a term that is widely used in prison by the Inmates to the Guards. I think for them to convey that they know that you are in a position of power But It's always comes off very condescending if you know what I mean.

The guy that really pisses me the hell off is the guy who merges on to the freeway doing 31.5 mph and he has his blinker on the whole time god I wanna kill that guy!!

Tony B. said...

Thanks for the insight Clarkster- one more reason for servers in restaurants to not use "boss." If I were a manager at a restaurant, I would train servers to not use that term.

I also hate the merge onto the freeway person that needs a completely clear lane/written invitation to comfortably merge in.