Once again, I'm taking Jimmy Fallon's idea and making it worse. Enjoy the results...
Dear Jay Cutler,
Thank you for not clearing things up about your injury. All you need to do is have a 5-10 minute conversation with someone on camera and this likely blows over. Or blows up even further. Let's recap quickly:
1) You look like a wuss when coming out of the game because no one tells anyone what is wrong with you. You then stand on the sideline and look physically ok (which may or may not be misleading.)
2) Many question your toughness, you get misty-eyed.
3) Brian Urlacher defends you. I respect his defense.
4) You then TAKE THE STAIRS at a restaurant for your postgame meal. C'mon man!
5) It comes out that you have a torn MCL. This makes things a bit more understandable.
6) On 1/27, TMZ releases a video of you walking around in LA shopping with your girlfriend. Again- c'mon man!
7) Today, it is known that you were given a painkilling shot at halftime, then went back in the game for a series against doctors' orders.
In the end, if you want to pay me $100,000 a year (+travel expenses), I'll follow you around and make sure that don't do dumb stuff to hurt your image. Seriously, I'll do this for you, the Bears, and Bear fans everywhere. We'll get you a jazzy and make sure people realize that you actually are hurt- and if you're not, we're not going to fuel the fire of bad public perception. Email me and let's get this started!
Dear Johnny Depp,
Thank you for making $20 million for acting in "The Tourist." It helps me realize that even I might be able to trick someone into paying me a lot of money to do mediocre work. What a great confidence boost!
Oh, and that last "Pirates" movie was pretty bad as well.
Loved you in other stuff,
Dear White Stripes,
Thank you for announcing your break-up. However, didn't you break up like 10 years ago? I mean, you're a divorced couple in a band together- that doesn't seem like a recipe for a successful band. Also, is the only loser in this Meg White? I know Jack White is in other bands, but I've never actually heard anything else that Meg has done. Good luck finding a new band that plays everything in 4/4 with only the most basic of beats.
One and two and three and...
Thank you for moving to Friday nights. I've actually been enjoying the time slot a bunch... but if you get canceled I will be raging mad. You are pretty much the only good show on these days, so don't go the way of great shows before you (i.e. Carnivale- HBO, I'm still angry about that one.)
Keep it rolling,
Dear Super Bowl,
Thank you for giving me a match-up that excites the general public, but could not be any less exciting for me personally. I don't care for either team or their fanbases. Seriously. Do we really need another Steeler championship? No. Do we need a Packer championship? HELL NO. I guess the only good thing about a Packer championship is that it would probably turn more Packer fans against Brett Favre- and that's always a good thing.