I borrow this idea from Jimmy Fallon and successfully make it worse.
Dear Miguel Cabrera,
Thank you for taking a swig of your bottle of Scotch while talking to police officers on the side of the road. Yes, they know who you are and will hit you with a baton. Have fun in the FL Prison League.
Dear G St Pub,
Thank you for all the memories and music experience you provided. Your place really allowed me to grow up as a musician.
Dear Van Exiting The Freeway,
Thank you for going out of your lane while turning to almost hit me. Then trying change lanes into me after that. Finally, thank you for tailgating me. People like you make me think we should walk everywhere from now on.
Good luck not killing yourself on the road,
Dear LA Lakers,
Thank you for losing to both the Cleveland Cavaliers and the Sacramento Kings this year. It will make both cities very happy in the end when you flip the switch and win another championship for no good reason at all. Sidenote: Gasol goes for 30 and 20 and you lose to the Cavs- just amazing.
Where amazing happens,
Dear Albert Pujols,
Thank you for deciding to go to free agency. I'm sure I'll not thank you when the Cubs are saddled with the last 4 years of your 10 year deal, but it will be nice to stab Cardinals fans in the heart like an ornery vampire next year.
See you next Spring,
PS: Vendors outside of Wrigley should probably stop selling "Pujols mows my lawn" t-shirts. I mean, you do want him in Chicago, don't you?