You know the drill. Jimmy Fallon's idea made worse by "yours truly."
Dear Charlie Sheen,
THANK YOU for joining Twitter. Your actions and posts are now the real-life equivalent of Jean-Claude Van Damme movies with such unintentional comedy. Your tweets are like roundhouse kicks. Your twitpics are like doing the splits to hit a bad guy in the nuts. Within one day, you've been able to find 1,000,000 enablers. America is beautiful, ain't it?
Dear Lou Brown,
Thank you for your excellent guidance of the Cleveland Indians in Major League. Clearly, since your death, your players have not been able to focus and have been running rough-shot around society. Willie Mays Hayes is in jail for tax evasion. Ricky Vaughn is drinking tigerblood by the gallon. Hell, I don't know where Jake Taylor is, but I'm assuming he's managing semi-pro ball in a Mexican league.
At least Cerrano became President... until he was assassinated in Season 5 of "24."
You are missed,
Dear Ralph Macchio,
Thank you for taking part in "Dancing With The Stars" this season. My only problem with you competing is that ABC did not also get Billy Zabka to challenge you. A rematch that epic would surely break TV ratings records and vault the world into a global utopia similar to the one featured in "Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey." You and Billy could have been our generation's Wyld Stallyns!
Dear Carlos Silva,
Thank you for starting the Cubs' Spring Training off with a brawl. A healthy clubhouse atmosphere is overrated. Tear it up, big man!
You so crazy,
Dear Guy In The Locker Room,
Thank you for using the wall drier to dry your hair. Further, thank you for making sure you actually don't have a towel in conjunction with the hair drying. EVEN further, thank you for executing this whole process with your ass to the wall- which, if you're keeping score at home- means your naked penis was facing out for all the other dudes in the locker room to see. You should look into posting WARNING signs. OR...
Buy a towel- STAT!
Dear Beady Eye,
Thank you going from being Oasis, to now being Oasis minus Noel Gallagher (AKA the talent of the band.) When I listen to your new song "The Roller" I'm strongly reminded of "Instant Karma!" by John Lennon. Why? Because they are the SAME SONG (almost.)
Best of luck,
Dear Emilio Estevez,
Thank you for not trying to compete with your brother in a crazy contest. However, you gots to make a comeback, son! Young Guns III? A follow up to your character from The Breakfast Club? Another Mighty Ducks movie? We all need more Gordon Bombay in our lives! Whatever works- I'm in!