The idea is taken from Jimmy Fallon and made much, much worse.
Dear Southeast Bracket,
Thank you for being the most trash filled bracket of this year and possibly of the last 10 years. I'm not high on Pitt as a #1 seed and Florida deserved a #2 seed about as much as "The Situation" deserved to participate in the Donald Trump Roast. BYU would be a great pick as a #3 seed if they didn't have such high morals and honor codes and such. I don't trust Wisconsin and I've doomed my bracket by picking Kansas St. to go to the Final Four. They could easily lose to Utah St. in the first round. As you can see, Southeast Bracket, you are as awful as Mel Gibson.
Dear Leaky Ceiling In My Apartment,
Thank you for giving me even more motivation to finally buy a house. This is a joke. In three years and between two property management companies, one would think our ceiling would have been fixed. This is not so. If Mrs. B., my cats, and/or I die of mold poisoning- you know who to blame.*
*We are technically resident managers of the complex (we really do nothing at this point, it's just for legal reasons that they have to have one) so I'm not calling out our management company. However, when we move out, I'll rip them to shreds.
Dear Women's NCAA Tournament,
Thank you so much for allowing me to work your wonderful event on Saturday. I will be the upstanding beacon of professionalism on the outside, but inside I will be wishing that I was watching the Men's Tournament or going to at least 1 of the 3 parties I was invited to that I'm now not able to go to. Excellent.
See ya this weekend,
Dear St. Patrick's Day,
Thank you for making it ok for strangers to come up and pinch people if they are not wearing green. It forces me to participate and actually wear green just so I can interact with a smaller amount of annoying people that would actually do something like that. Oh, and green beer is not a big deal. Neither are green milk shakes at Mac-E-D's.
Top o' the mornin',
Dear Chase Utley's Knee,
Thank you in advance for getting healthy. Please, please, please get healthy. I need your skills at 2B for my fantasy team. Seriously. I'm not joking. Get better.
Ditto for Justin Morneau's head,
Enjoy the start of the tournament everyone and Happy St. Patty's Day. If you're fortunate enough to have my phone number, feel free to text me on Saturday to make fun of me (or just to make me laugh.) I'll be working out at Stanford from 11:30am until around 5pm.