Jimmy Fallon's sketch made much, much worse by yours-truly.
Dear Sacramento Kings,
Thank you for making a 20 point come back on the Lakers last night to force overtime. You ultimately ended up losing the game to Los Angeles in overtime. Wait a second, was this game a microcosmic metaphor for your possible move to Anaheim? Yep.
Happy trails- you'll be missed,
Dear Carlos Zambrano,
Thank you for making sure my expectations stay tempered. I mean, why would you want to complete a great start that began with 5 scoreless innings AND you hitting a home run? The 5 runs you gave up in the 6th inning properly let us Cubs fans know that we can't expect great things from you- even against the Astros.
But remember- your anger management class effectively cured you!
Thank you for helping me realize that you are not, in fact, the same person as Estelle. Yes, I understand that you are white and Estelle is black. I also understand (now) that you previously released a critically acclaimed album while Estelle had one single with Kanye West ("American Boy.") As a suggestion, I really think you ladies might benefit from last names considering I confused two people whose similarities end at "female singer."
PS: "Rolling In The Deep" is an awesome song. That's no joke.
Dear "Free Bird" Guy,
Thank you for allowing my festering rage for you to live on. If I could transport you to that desert place in "Beetlejuice" where the sandworms will eat you, I would. (Did they really call that place Saturn? Seems ridiculous if that's the case. I will not be doing the research to back that one up.) My point? You deserve a torturous session in the underworld so that you'll never... eeeeever... yell for that dumb song again.
Or you could just mind your manners normally?
Dear Am7 Chord,
Thank you for being the best chord ever. Seriously. Use of this chord could be the easiest cure for songwriter's block ever. Great times.
I'm happy to be stuck with you,
Thank you for being so wonderful. But I also kind of hate you.
Dear Chicago Bulls,
Thank you for earning the #1 seed in the Eastern Conference and home court throughout the playoffs. It's been a pleasure to follow you all this year, but there's more work to do. Let's not get cocky... finish this off. You CANNOT let the HATE or the Celtics dethrone you at this point. It would be terrible for you to lose, but maybe even worse if those two teams were to win. Don't let it happen!
Derrick Rose deserves a kings robe, crown, scepter and the key to the city,