Thursday, April 28, 2011

Thank You Notes

Jimmy Fallon's idea made much worse by my mediocre writing.  On a scale of 1-10, how much do you like these posts, ?uestlove?





















Damn.  I figured as much. 

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Dear NFL Draft,

Thank you for allowing the Bears to pick in the 1st Round for the first time in a few years.  I can't wait to see what they do with the 29th pick.  What's that?  There are rumors that they will trade down and still not have a 1st Rounder?  Ah crap.  Well, maybe next year. 

First!
Tony B.

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Dear House Hunting Process,

Thank you for sucking away my soul.  When this started, I was just a bright-eyed and ignorant almost 30-year-old who was excited at the prospect of owning a home.  Now that our first bid was rejected and I more fully understand what I'm getting in to, the reality of the process is seeping in like rain water into my apartment's ceiling.  I suppose it is good to get a kick in the nads every once in a while to keep me motivated and moving forward. 

Down but not out,
Tony B.

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Dear Chicago Cubs,

Thank you for making me feel like the season is already over.  Besides Starlin Castro's offense, what else can I look at in a positive light?  The answer- nothing.  The pitching staff is atrocious.  The offense is sputtering.  The defense straight up loses games.  And the relief pitching is ok, but is left with ZERO room for error.  Now I get to debate which is worse- my real life team or my fantasy baseball team.  It's a toss up.

C'mon Quad-ee,
Tony B.

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Dear Bartolo Colon,

Thank you for being a free agent in my fantasy league.  I remember you used to be good.  I remember you won a Cy Young Award.  And I remember you throwing a great game last night.  Please don't make me look like an idiot. 

Regards,
Tony B.

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Dear Royal Wedding,

Thank you for creating something covered on television that I care less about than "Dancing With The Stars."  I needed a new least favorite/most pointless thing on TV to be exposed to like a carbon monoxide leak.  I appreciate being dumbed-down in a slow, subtle manner. 

Must resist...,
Tony B.

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Dear Oakland Raiders,

Thank you renaming your stadium Overstock.com Coliseum.  As the Yahoo author I linked to mentioned, I'm sure there will be a number of references to O-faces or "The Big O" and things of that nature.  The Raiders have become such an embarrassing franchise.  Also, thanks in advance for making it too dangerous for me to physically attend the Bears/Raiders game next year in Oakland AND for making sure it will be blacked out on TV.  It's not like I wanted to watch the game or anything.

Too bad "The Black Hole" isn't an actual black hole,
Tony B.

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Dear Movie Theaters,

Thank you for making me realize that it is pointless to go to the movies as often as I had in the past.  I mean, it's probably not the theaters' fault, but rather the studios' fault for putting out awful movie after awful movie.  And hey, if I want to watch an intense Oscar-worthy drama, I'd probably rather pursue that activity in my own home rather than in public anyway.  I hate walking out of a theater dazed from watching some depressing indie flick.  Basically, I want the best of both worlds, an entertaining pop corn flick that doesn't have plot holes the size of the black hole I just wished upon the Raiders.  Is that asking too much?

Yes, it is,
Tony B. 

6 comments:

GMoney said...

I, too, picked up Bartolo last night. He has been simply filthy. 96 and a 2 seamer that lefties can't hit? Sounds like a decent pitcher to me. And with Hughes being a basketcase, he's going nowhere.

Tony B. said...

Get out of my brain.

Mrs. B said...

hey, how about a shout out for: "you're an awesome wife because you don't give a s*** about the royal wedding."

Oh and Disneyland, I hate that place too.

Tony B. said...

Yep, I do have an awesome wife.

What was that you were watching last night- "America's Next Top Model?"

Mrs. B said...

why you gotta put me on blast like that yo?

Tony B. said...

:)

Hey, we all watch awful TV. Why I've watched every episode of Jersey Shore- I'll never know.