Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Kevin Correia: The Legend

If you read this site often (ever?) you might recall my post about potential t-shirts I'd like to see made.  I ripped Mr. Kevin Correia as a joke.  Since that post, he has been destroying hitters and making me look like an idiot.  So much so, that our friend G$ continues to let me know when Correia has spun a gem via comments and/or text messages.  Well, this post is dedicated to Kevin Correia- the man, the myth, the #1 starter for YOUR Pittsburgh Pirates.  I have done some "extensive" research into his background and let me tell you- the results are glorious. 

Born August 24, 1980, Kevin Correia was born with a halo above his head.  The doctor was quoted as saying, "As his head came forth into this world, I was blinded by a peaceful white light.  It was as if God himself had blessed this child and given me a chance to view the Heavens from Earth."  A significant day in history indeed. 

Correia learned to walk by two months old and he was kickboxing by four months old.  Scientists and religious Clergy studied his development and agreed that he was "special."  He was like Walt from LOST- the only difference was that he was very, very real.  

At age 5, Correia invented those odd skydiving suits that make humans look like squirrel-monkeys.

His genius was unparalleled.  Elementary school teachers would often ask him for help lesson planning as early as age 6. 

Mastermind intelligence and athleticism were not Kevin's only strengths.  At the age of 9 he lost his virginity to an unnamed Victoria's Secret model.  She wanted more, but 9 year old Kevin told her he "wasn't ready for a relationship." 

From that point forward, he got every woman he wanted.  He went to prom with Jennie Garth and broke her heart.  He stole Luke Perry's motorcycle.  He straightened Ian Ziering's hair with his mind. 

While attending school at Cal Poly, Kevin had to physically try to pitch worse because his normal perfection made everyone else on the team feel inept.  He still threw consistent 2-hit shutouts each time out. 

In fact, Correia could have gone pro at age 11, but did not want to blow his cover has part man and part machine.

In conclusion, Kevin Correia makes Chuck Norris look like Steve Urkel.  Kevin Correia is a God among men.  Kevin Correia will take your mother to a nice seafood dinner and never call her again.  Kevin Correia will never... EEEEEVER... be spoken about in a negative light on this site ever again.  Kevin Correia will save the world in 2012.  Not to mention his work in Pakistan over the weekend. 

Kevin Correia is a real American


GMoney said...

I think that you called him the worst opening day starter ever. Please. Ryan Dempster wins that award.

Tony B. said...

I'm stupid. You're smart.

I was wrong. You were right.

You're the best. I'm the worst.

You're very good-looking. I'm not attractive.


Was this public praising of Kevin Correia not enough? Are you not entertained?!

Brandon said...

Ha ha. He has a BABIP of .233 and is beating his xFIP by a full run and a half. The correction is coming.

As far as his legend:

It should be noted the doctor that delivered him was coked out of his mind. During his next scheduled delivery, he mistook the child for Donald Pleasance and spent the next 3 hours locked in his office trying to call James Bond. This happened a couple times a month in the early eighties.

His teachers only asked for his help scheduling bathroom breaks into the lesson plan. He was notorious for peeing his pants if the arithmetic lessons ran too long. Meanwhile, he spent recesses trying to organize protests to force the principal to release his birth certificate.

That Victoria's Secret model was definitely a mannequin, and not a living, Pygamlion-wannabe mannequin from a bad eighties movie. In fact, it wasn't even a hot mannequin.

It's true he was never turned down by a woman, but only because the only one he ever wanted was his cousin Tammi, who could always be counted on to drink at family functions until she blacked out.

When he was 10, he had both a Dyson vacuum and a leaf blower surgically implanted into his body, making him the first man who could suck and blow at the same time.

Tony B. said...

Brandon- how dare you besmirch the name of Kevin Correia on this comment section! (Well done, though. I LOL'ed.)