Thursday, May 5, 2011

Thank You Notes

I continue to "borrow" from Jimmy Fallon's sketch with horrific results.

Dear The Family Handyman Magazine,

Thank you for Mrs. B. subscribing to you.  I'm sure we'll learn the same level of information to help improve our future home as we are intimidated by this guy:

It's also pretty funny that it looks like the magazine is called "Handman" with the brawny man blocking the "y."

Does it come with free testoserone treaments?
Tony B.


Dear Chicago Cubs,

Thank you for having a winning road trip.  Wait a tick- could that be true?  The Cubs had a winning road trip out west?  As Huell Howser might say, "That is AMAZING!"

Go Cubs Go,
Tony B.


Dear Chicago Bulls,

Thank you for beating the Hawks in a sloppy but convincing fashion.  Game 1 had me very worried.  I am confident you will advance to the Conference Finals now.  Unfortunately, the Hate look awfully tough these days.  If Boozer wants to play so terribly, he could at least play enforcer and throw LeBron on his back in the next round.  It's never ok to wish injury on another play.  Well- it's never ok unless said player has his own TV show called "The Decision" to break a city's dreams in the most self indulgent way- then it's ok.

[Insert Bulls Theme Song Here],
Tony B.


Dear Asian Karaoke Guy,

Thank you for providing such amazing entertainment!  This isn't just some general guy.  I judged a Live Band Karaoke contest last night, and one Asian guy gave the greatest performance of "Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting" that I have ever seen.  Hey, it is not necessary to sing the song anywhere close to the way it sounds on the recorded version- make it your own homeboy!  Don't wait for proper placement of lyrics.  The most important thing is that this guy was IN TO IT.  Charisma is not a commodity to be bought and sold- you have it or you don't.  I am certain he could have a successful YouTube channel.  No doubt about it.  I highly regret not videoing the performance so I could fully unleash the awesomeness here.  But I definitely enjoyed it.

Rock on brotha!
Tony B.


Dear Stress,

Thank you for raising your level noticeably in recent weeks.  Fortunately, ain't nothin' gonna break my break my stride, nobody's gonna slow me down, oh no, I've got to keep on movin'.

You can't, you won't, and you don't stop,
Tony B.


Mrs. B said...

I am intrigued by the article on the cover called "Call me Mr. Jiggle Saw." Tales of power tool passion? Yes please!

GMoney said...

I disagree that it's never OK to root for an injury. As long as the guy you wish it on is a douche and makes a buttload of money, fuck him. It's actually pretty fun to see Terrelle Pryor scramble and then when he's getting ready to get tackled yell, "TEAR YOUR ACL!" I will not apologize.

Kevin Correia: 5-2 2.91 ERA after another gem last night. No big whoop...nothing to see here...just winning the Cy Young Award.

Brandon said...

Dear Handyman,

I was alone in my garage one Saturday afternoon, so I decided I might as well start tooling around with my 8 inch monkey wrench. I was just about to torque a nut, when I noticed something standing at the door out of the corner of my eye. It was this sweet little steel press I had seen in my neighbor's garage, with the biggest punches I had ever laid eyes on. I quickly dropped my wrench and, embarrassed, stammered something about making sure my bolts were fastened tight.

You'll never believe what happened next.

Tony B. said...

Mrs. B - I didn't know about your power tool fetishism. It scares me slightly... or gets me hot?

G$ - I am now rooting for Kevin Correia to blow out his shoulder. There- I just broke my own rule because of you. Your man-crush on him is unstoppable.

Tony B. said...

Brandon- your comments entertain me.

Mrs. B said...

Brandon, I have to know, how'd you finish? Did you caulk?

Tony B. said...