Thursday, May 19, 2011

Thank You Notes

Politely borrowing Jimmy Fallon's sketch once again.  It may be time to find another sketch to steal next week- anyone in touch with Triumph the Insult Comic Dog?  He doesn't seem to be busy.

Dear Chicago Bulls,

Thank you in advance for having a better shooting percentage in Game 3 than you did in Game 2 of the Eastern Conference Finals.  You can beat the Heat- it is possible- but you'll need a much better effort than last night.  No one wants to see LeBron win a title before Dan Gilbert, right?

Cue the Training Montage music,
Tony B.

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Dear San Jose Sharks,

Thank you for wasting my time last night.  After the Bulls lost, I watched a portion of your Game 2 vs. Vancouver.  You let the ginger twins run rough shot all over you.  The most life you showed was when Patrick Marleau decided it would be a good idea to start a fight and then get his face beat in.  I hope you still have some life in you when you get back to the Shark Tank. 

Sh-Sh-Sh-Shark Attack,
Tony B.

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Dear Kareem Abdul-Jabbar,

Thank you for this picture:

















Also, thank you for complaining about not having a statue yet.  The Lakers already informed you that a statue of you will be made at some point and that you are next in line.  Not Magic.  Not James Worthy.  Not Kobe.  Not Shaq.  Not Brian Shaw.  Not Wilt the Stilt.  Not Chick Hearn.  Not Jerry Buss.  You are next, mofo.  And now you're crying about the time line in which it will happen?  I'm no genius, but I'm guessing that statues mean less when the actual celebrities start asking for them in the public.  I mean, look at the cow that the "Golden Calf" was based on- it didn't work out that well in that instance, so it won't work well for you either.  (I heard that cow was a real egomaniac.)  If I were the Lakers, I would now base the statue on Kareem in the movie "Airplane!."  That would be hilarious!

Sincerely,
Tony B.

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Dear Arnold Schwarzenegger,

Thank you for cheating on your wife multiple times, having a love child from 10 years ago, and now leaving her after your term as governor is over.  Now every two-bit hack comedian will be doing "Ahrnold" impressions for the next year.  I hear a kitty cat dies every time someone makes a "Sperminator" joke, so make sure you have plenty of shoe boxes and back yard burial space- it's about to get messy.

"I'll be back," [awful]
Tony B.

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Dear Pirates of the Caribbean,

Thank you for making such an awful 3rd movie that there is no chance I'm even tempted to waste my hard-earned money on the 4th one.  I'm not sure exactly where this series went wrong, but I'm guessing that the answer is "after the first one."  I could keep writing and make this note very convoluted, but it would only be in the spirit of irony.  Instead, I will mercifully end it like you should have 2 movies ago.

Yo-ho,
Tony B.

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Dear Toad the West Sprocket,

Thank you for finding your way onto my Pandora station today.  We all could use a bit more Toad in our lives. 

Something's Always Wrong,
Tony B. 

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Enjoy your Thursday- Go Bulls!

2 comments:

GMoney said...

Magic and Chick already have statues! Why in the hell does Oscar de la Hoya have one though?

Shark! (shark!) Shark Attack!
This shark eats like a maniac!
He's cominnnnnnn', he's cominnnnnnn', he's COMINNNNNNNNNNNNNN'...he's comin' to get YOUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!
Sink YOUR teeth into Shark Attack!

That game was terrible by the way.

Tony B. said...

Yeah, yeah- I got carried away with the statue thing. I just think it's dumb to ask for a statue. It's probably also dumb to rant on a blog without fully researching stuff I should already know.

Please tell me you did not stay up late watching the Sharks game. It was bad enough in the Pacific Time Zone. Watching that game in Eastern Time would've made me lose my mind.