Thursday, June 2, 2011

Thank You Notes

Stealing from Jimmy Fallon once more- buy his book to make up for me jacking his material!

Dear Chicago Cubs,

Thank you for being so awful that I've stopped caring about baseball season already.  This is no joke.  I have the MLB.TV package, the At Bat application on my phone, and I have barely been keeping track of the scores this past week.  It's so depressing that I'd just rather not know that you lost... again.  And if you win, I think, "That's nice- now they are only X# of games under .500.  It's still hopeless."

Until next year,
Tony B.

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Dear No Trade Clauses,

(Related to the first note) Thank you for sneaking your way into EVERY single Cubs' players' contracts.  What's that Jim Hendry?  You want to have a fire sale and let the young guys play?  Guess what- you can't!  You've overpaid ALL of these underachievers and they all can veto trades that you propose.  Inept is only where I would start when describing Jim Hendry as a GM.  Stop handing out no trade clauses like candy, just stop it!

Happy trails (or not),
Tony B.

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Dear Weird Al Yankovic,

Thank you for your video "Headline News."  It's even more hilarious now because the current events stories you chose are now extremely dated.  Here, see what I mean:



See what I mean,
Tony B.

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Dear June 2011,

Thank you for kicking off with rain storms.  I wonder if you are mimicking my emotions with weather because by the end of the month, I'll be 30.  It's probably not that bad though, can't you say crazier and crazier things as you get older and just blame it on your age?  Ah yes, 30 year old Tony is so stuck in his ways... we'll let that one slide... Ha!

See, I'm already crazier,
Tony B.

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Dear Pimple On My Face,

Thank you for being a little pocket for me to fit all of my stress inside.  You don't look great, but it's better than having an ulcer, I suppose.  No, I will not name you like Screech named his pimple (before he accidentally invented a pimple cream that cleared up acne, but eventually turned skin red- Go Bayside!)

That was quite a tangent,
Tony B.

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Dear LeBron,

Thank you for living up to the hype.  It looks like you might win a championship in your very first year as a Miami Heat.  If nothing else, at least I won a ridiculously bad-ass contest at my favorite casino due to spoofing your "Decision."  It's literally the only positive thing I can come up with if you actually finish this Championship off. 

I'm not a fan of you,
Tony B.

5 comments:

Brandon said...

Thanks for reminding that the early to mid nineties were a terrible time to pay attention to the news. All Weird Al needed were references to OJ and Ross Perot and he would have covered everything I remember from that time.

Tony B. said...

An OJ reference would've kept his song more relevant today! I also remember many more home runs than we see today. That's about it.

Brandon said...

You just reminded me of something else: I remember the Giants winning 103 games and not making the playoffs. Ouch.

(The Giants also had a reliever named Michael Jackson. That team was awesome.)

GMoney said...

How can you reference that SBTB episode without mentioning legendary actor, Crater Face Coburn???

Kevin Correia: 8 wins now...leading the NL...probably locked up the Cy Young already...still available in both of my fantasy leagues though

Mike Jackson was intimidating as all Hell. He used to wear his hat lower than you could possibly imagine.

Tony B. said...

Crater Face was great- huh huh huh huh! I felt my aside had gone on a little too long, but you're right, he deserves a mention.

Shove it with the Kevin Correia talk.