Showing posts with label Tyrone Biggums. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Tyrone Biggums. Show all posts

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

World Series Characters

You want my World Series preview?  Ok.  Sure.  Giants in 7.  Their pitching is unreal and their hitting does just enough.  Sometimes, the teams that had to fight and claw to get in the playoffs have an edge because they get used to those pressure situations and know how to naturally react in said situations.  It'll be interesting to see the Rangers reaction when they are involved in close games.  Like I said though, this series will be tight and I'm going with Giants in 7.

But who are these players and characters really?  Let's get to know the teams through some comparisons of some of the players to familiar things/characters. 

Pablo Sandoval -> Any Sea Lion from Pier 39 - You thought I was going to compare him to the Kung Fu Panda voiced by Jack Black?  Sorry to disappoint you.  Sandoval's diet has lead him down a path of ineffectiveness.  Unfortunately, any great hit he gets or great play he makes almost seems by accident at this point.  Wow, I guess he actually does compare to the Kung Fu Panda after all!

Vlad Guerrero -> D-Bo from Friday - Vlad has been a bully for much of his major league career.  He hits balls in the strike zone.  He hits balls better out of the strike zone.  It's too bad his knees were ruined forever in Montreal.  It's also too bad that by the end of the series, the Giants pitching staff will stand above him and say- "You got knocked the f*** out!"

Barry Zito -> Bobby from the Cobra Kai- I'm not sure how good Bobby from the Cobra Kai Dojo ever was, or if he was paid $18 million a year, but when it mattered he wasn't the go to guy.  He had to sit on the sidelines cheering to, "Get him a bodybag- yeah!"  Zito will not be allowed to participate in the "All Valley Karate Tournament" this year.

C.J. Wilson -> Hurley from LOST - In no way is this a comparison in body-types as C.J. Wilson is literally 400 lbs. lighter than Hurley.  However, I happen to know that Wilson is a huge LOST fan.  I also know that he was a highly overlooked character (much like Hurley early on) this year, but by the end his importance cannot be understated.  If the Rangers want to win the Series, C.J. Wilson will have to take responsibility of The Island.  In other words, he has to win at least one game for them. 

Tim Lincecum -> Eli from Let The Right One In - If you haven't seen this foreign vampire movie, don't worry, they re-made it in the US ("Let Me In") and I hear that version is good as well.  Here's the comparison:  1) They have the same haircut:





















And 2) They look like completely innocent and wimpy creatures, but in fact they are both blood thirsty animals.  Lincecum wants to intimidate and drink the blood of the Rangers.  I'm serious- he's thirsty.

Josh Hamilton -> Cameron Poe from Con Air - For years, Cameron Poe's ass kicking talent was locked in jail.  Josh Hamilton's talent was locked up in drug addiction.  Both have cleaned up their act and relish the opportunity to win back the love and respect of their wives.  Hamilton seems to have done that, but he still needs to find a way to safely land a plane full of convicts on the Las Vegas strip while capturing Sirius the Virus.  Oh wait- Hamilton's not the former convict, he's the one playing baseball. 

Brian Wilson -> The Pikey from Snatch - Yeah, yeah, yeah- you wanted me to go with The Machine, didn't you?  Well, unfortunately I've already used up my quota for Nick Cage movie references and The Pikey is more appropriate anyway.  Why?  Well, first they are both f***ing nuts.  They both say ridiculous things that you know are funny, but may not fully understand why.  The Pikey uses his fists for savagery while Wilson uses his fastball.  And finally, they both have beards.  I rest my case.

Cliff Lee -> Robin Hood "Prince of Thieves" - Kevin Costner is not cool, but his portrayal of Robin Hood was pretty damn good.  Cliff Lee is as accurate with his fastball as Robin Hood was with his bow and arrow.  He also seems to rob from the rich teams and give to the poor.  It makes me wonder if he could turn around the Cubs if given the opportunity.  They need a guy with nuts of steel like Lee.  Don't even think that the Rangers would be in the World Series without him. 

Other quick ones- create your own explanation if you choose:

Ron Washington -> Tyrone Biggums

Matt Cain -> T-800 from Terminator 2 (specifically the scene where Arnold is shooting his shotgun at Robert Patrick in semi truck while Arnold is riding a motorcycle.) 

Jorge Cantu -> Edward James Olmos

Bengie Molina -> Gabriel Iglesias

Cody Ross -> Underdog (The cartoon, not the dumb movie)

Bruce Bochy -> Ben Stein

Ian Kinsler -> Zac Efron

Feel free to make up your own and post it in the comments.  I'm excited for the series.  I'm sure it doesn't have the national buzz of past World Series, but it will be a great baseball series.  Remember, the last WS to go 7 games involved the Giants and a team from the AL West.  Get ready, it should be a good one.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

How Dare They?!




















Ron Washington, manager of the Texas Rangers, admitted to using cocaine (mostly because he got tested soon after he had done the drug- so yeah, he got caught.) There is outrage in the baseball community because a 57 year old manager did cocaine for what he claims was the "first and only time" he's ever done it. Is there anything funnier than someone getting caught with drugs (or steroids or cheating on their wife etc. etc.) and then saying, "It was the only time I've ever done it." Riiiiight.

I have two things to talk a bit about, neither are mind boggling, but we lose sight of them as a collective society often. First, athletes, actors, musicians, state workers, restaurant owners, cab drivers, Blackjack dealers, garbage men, stock investors, and pretty much anyone that breathes is not perfect. Did you hear that? Zero people are perfect. I know we love to hold celebrities up on a pedestal, and cheer them in the media as model humans that our children should be able to look up to, but guess what? That is a horrible idea. Literally, allowing celebrities to be role models, then being surprised when they are caught doing something improper is like buying a ticket to Saw 6, and then being horrified when you watch the movie and realize it's quite violent. You've seen the story before, don't fall into the trap again.

But you must be wondering at this point, Tony, Ron Washington is barely a celebrity so why even bother mentioning him? Is it funny that he looks like a 57 year old version of Tyrone Biggums? Is it because he is supposed to lead his players, one of which is a former drug addict (Josh Hamilton)? Or could it possibly be that for whatever reason, more people seem to care when baseball as a sport is outed for having a drug problem? Yes, the last one seems really odd, and that's where I'm going.

Why do we care so damn much whenever anyone involved with baseball is caught with any kind of drug? Baseball is a fun sport. I love it. But let's be honest, it has a sorted past. I mean, Ty Cobb was a damn good player, but I know two things about that guy. One, he loved sliding into second "spikes up." And two, he was a huge bigot. Even in the early years of baseball, it was not as pure as many fans want to believe.

Baseball players took amphetamines for years and years in order to prepare for gameday. Since banning those substances, the number of late 30s, early 40s players has diminished significantly. My point is, Ron Washington did coke, probably more than once (I obviously am just speculating on that point) but really, who cares? No one cared when Shawn Merriman tested positive for steroids. Is that because he's a football player and we, for whatever reason, hold baseball players to a higher standard? That is absurd.

We need to stop acting like a surprised child who happened to google "does santa claus exist" and start acting like rational adults. No one is perfect. Can people make mistakes and learn from them? Sure. Should we believe the childish excuse of "I only did it once?" No, we shouldn't.

I know ESPN and other sports networks need things to talk about, and I'm not against reporting these things, but we need to realize that our "heroes" aren't really heroes at all, and that baseball players/associates are just as flawed as players from any other sport.